Jokes Quotes · Page 35

I don't do any jokes that old. I might have maybe one or two jokes from high school that I still do.

— Dave Chappelle

Ah, beer. The cause of and the solution to all of life's problems.

— Nikhil Saluja

There's the old joke, "What's the difference between country and redneck? Well, that's three hundred dollars."

— Larry the Cable Guy

The best ideas come as jokes. Make your thinking as funny as possible.

— David Ogilvy

“The best jokes are often only understood by one other person.”

— Barry Humphries

How about this, you remove Funny/Model from your bio and let me be the judge of that.

— Nikhil Saluja

You know you've drank too much when you actually ask your wife to drive you home.

— Nikhil Saluja

Let me rub your tummy girl till' you feel better babe, read you something funny, girl. Jokes to make you laugh.

— Miguel Jontel

My brother has ADD, which is weird because he drives a Ford Focus. I told my brother that joke but he didn't…

— Zach Galifianakis

Hardly anyone today thinks about sex. We joke about it, dream about it, watch movies about it, listen to music about it,…

— Jason Evert

I do things, and other people laugh at them. I rarely know what the joke is supposed to be or why they're…

— Wallace Shawn

The inside jokes weren't jokes anymore. They had become stories. Nobody brought up the bad names or the bad times. And nobody…

— Stephen Chbosky

I started doing pot jokes, and I noticed that audiences invariably love pot jokes. Even people who don't smoke pot think it's…

— Doug Benson

I think there's a difference between making comedy and reporting comedy. When you're a joke teller you can easily fall into the…

— Demetri Martin

“When does a wife know that her husband is cheating on her? When he starts complaining about the lack of water as…

— Felix Abt

I was never a joke teller. I don't even like jokes, for the most part. I don't like to hear them, and…

— Ed O'Neill

“The things about which we most often jest are generally, on the contrary, the things that worry us but that we do…

— Marcel Proust

“The historian Meike Wöhlert has analyzed and compared the judgments rendered by courts responsible for malicious acts of treason in five cities.…

— Rudolph Herzog

My grandfather used to say 'Eat the biggest crabs first, that way you're always eating the biggest crabs.' In making a TV…

— Jonathan Groff

It’s the strangest thing about this church - it is obsessed with sex, absolutely obsessed. Now they will say we, with our…

— Stephen Fry

Even when there's not a joke or a hook, the first line has to be good and snapem to attention. Songs ain't…

— Dan Bern

Jokes often arise involuntarily, like dreams, and tend to be swiftly forgotten. From these similarities Freud inferred that jokes and dreams share…

— Jim Holt

I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done You can tune me out, you can click me…

— Joan Rivers

The humanists' replacement for religion: work really hard and somehow you'll either save yourself or you'll be immortal. Of course, that's a…

— David Bowie

Always laugh heartily at the jokes your boss tells, it maybe a loyalty test.

— Anonymous

I did a theatrical performance about puns. Really it was just a play on words.

— Nikhil Saluja

I learned to think about religion, race and sex through the complex and often unattractive medium of jokes.

— Andrew Hudgins

When I was 14, I thought I was the coolest kid in school because I told everyone the jokes in FHM.

— Megan Fox

Have you considered the option of getting the joke? If not, try it now and redeem your soul.

— Erik Naggum

A good mathematical joke is better, and better mathematics, than a dozen mediocre papers.

— John Edensor Littlewood

One of the great mysteries of life is how a man can leave his car keys in the refrigerator.

— Nikhil Saluja

That moment when you say something and everyone laughs, so you just sit there like a boss.

— Anonymous

Why do we call it truth or dare when we all know it's really Who do you like or Awkward sexual task.

— Pretty Ladii

Crusaders have just f-ked me over what a bas-rd joke, excuse my language I'm absolutely furious.

— Keith Senior

You name any horrific thing, and I can make a joke out of it.

— Quentin Tarantino

I can't find someone funny whom I don't like. Hitler told great jokes. I didn't find it funny at all.

— Ricky Gervais

I secrete jokes like the pancreas secretes... whatever the pancreas secretes.

— Marshall Brickman

I am a fan of whatever makes me laugh my ass off. If it happens to be a Jew joke, then it's…

— Alex Borstein

Dear Parents, go buy a calculator and solve your own problems. I'm not a therapist.

— Kevin McCarty

When I said What did I do this time? I really meant What did you catch me doing?

— Nikhil Saluja