Jokes Quotes · Page 34

We need to get rid of the Federal Elections Commission. It's a joke. It doesn't enforce the law.

— Russ Feingold

The girl-next-door image is a sort of joke; for years, I couldnt get any roles other than as somebody dark.

— Felicity Kendal

My mother-in-law was so mean she blinded herself just to get a free dog.

— Gary Delaney

I like to crack the jokes now and again, but it's only because I struggle with math.

— Tina Fey

Every time there's a cut in the action, we joke and dance around, there's show tunes and fart noises.

— Darby Stanchfield

“Jokes don't matter… til the performance... if the performance is horrible so do and jokes.”

— Deyth Banger

I wanted to change the world . But I could not even change my underwear.

— John Grant

That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

— Daniel Tosh

In college I took an acting class as a joke. It sounded like something fun and easy at the time. I had…

— Michael Graziadei

I like to put things back where I got them from when I am done using them...so I dropped your mom off…

— Carlin Whisler

I have been trying for a long time to understand God. Now I have made friends with him. To love him truly…

— Isak Dinesen

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I…

— Daniel Tosh

I like to tell old jokes on stage after about an hour, or an hour and a half. I'll bring those old…

— Gabriel Iglesias

“Taking good care of your husband or wife is the best way to thank their parent or parents for having taken good…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I have "come back" [to music scene] so many times, people are just like, Is this another one?... It's kind of like…

— Britney Spears

I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably…

— Iliza Shlesinger

Youre so ugly, when you were born, the doctor said Wheres the baby? Youre so ugly, when you were born, your parents…

— Curly

I did get good enough to get on HBO's Young Comedians Special, but I certainly wasn't the person who got launched off…

— Judd Apatow

You've noticed that same joke told by two different people, once works, and the other time doesn't, simply because how the person…

— Abbas Kiarostami

I went to London a lot as a young designer because London was a major inspiration, not only for the clothes but…

— Jean Paul Gaultier

Finnick:" Good to see you, Peeta." Peeta:" You be nice to her, Finnick. Or I might try and take her away from…

— Suzanne Collins

It's a great historical joke that when the Spanish met the Aztecs, it was a blind date made in serve-you-right heaven. At…

— A. A. Gill

Whereupon a strange euphoria came over me. Not only was I exiled, paralyzed, mute, half deaf, deprived of all pleasures, and reduced…

— Jean-Dominique Bauby

One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back a few beers. They start talking and come…

— Jokes4all

FACT: Kissing burns 5.4 calories a minute¦¦ Ummm, wanna work out?

— Anonymous

Why does the SPACE BAR make a louder noise than the rest ?

— Anonymous

Why do dogs love their daily walks? They get to check their p-mail!

— Nikhil Saluja

Jokes are generally honest. Complete solemnity is always dishonest.

— Gilbert K. Chesterton

For the amount of talent I had (and I couldn't dance, act, or tell a joke) I enjoyed a tremendous career.

— Perry Como

What's worse than a bull in a china shop? A hedgehog in a condom factory.

— Anonymous

If you keep up with pop culture, everybody knows the joke.

— Shawn Wayans

Is anything wrong, dear? the old joke went. No, why? You moved. Just don't move.

— Margaret Atwood

“We seldom look up to the person; we usually look up to their persona.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

— Nikhil Saluja

I'm used to explaining to people why my jokes were funny.

— Gilbert Gottfried

I don't think my film style has changed. I'm doing the same kind of jokes I did when I was younger.

— Woody Allen

... she, that will with kittens jest, Should bear a kitten's joke.

— William Cowper

When I make a joke, nobody gets injured... when Congress makes a joke, it's the law.

— Will Rogers

Even 'Lord of the Rings' had dwarf-tossing jokes in it. It's like, 'Really?'

— Peter Dinklage

Paris and Nicky Hilton? Those girls will show up to the opening of a phone book. It's like a big joke.

— Rachel Perry