The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod? — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I realize how desperate it sounds for me, as a comedian, to ask you to laugh at my jokes. — John Oliver Copy Share Image
A woman never knows what she really wants until she finds out what her husband cannot afford. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Because, as we are told—a sad old joke, too— Ghosts, like the ladies, never speak till spoke to. — Bill Vaughan Copy Share Image
There is no 'magic water' that you can rub on a script to make the jokes funnier. — Graham Linehan Copy Share Image
Facts are meaningless - you could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I don't want people to leave the show being upset. So if I am trying to do a new joke, and sometimes… — Jim Jefferies Copy Share Image
Sometimes you look out the window and you look at all the windows, and think inside very single one of them is… — Meryl Streep Copy Share Image
Death isn't funny." "Then why are there so many jokes about death? Jill, with us — us humans — death is so… — Robert A. Heinlein Copy Share Image
I joke around a lot about the manic times because they're funny. We manics do outrageous things and it is part of… — Patty Duke Copy Share Image
What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
(...) I don´t want a drink. I just want to know where am I? -You´re not in Kansas anymore!- Jake chuckled at… — Alexandra Adornetto Copy Share Image
Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually… — Frank Muir Copy Share Image
“Saying that you do not remember something or someone is a less embarrassing or hurtful way of saying that you do not… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
We see how popular Bernie Sanders was, and it might have mattered. It might have made that Democrat ticket a little bit… — Rush Limbaugh Copy Share Image
The audience today has heard every joke. They know every plot. They know where you're going before you even start. That's a… — Betty White Copy Share Image
Santa waiting at bus stop in UK along with 3 women. When bus arrived, conductor picked the women & said: No more,… — Butterfly_Kisses Copy Share Image
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in… — Syntific Copy Share Image
If you'd asked me then if I saw how big 'The Steve Harvey Morning Show' was going to be, I couldn't tell… — Steve Harvey Copy Share Image
When you making a piece of comedy entertainment, the audience is a big component there. You do have to end up getting… — Jason H. Moore Copy Share Image
Being a parent is not for the faint of heart. I may joke about knowing fear, but the fact is, the first… — Harlan Coben Copy Share Image
If I hadn't been told I was garbage, I wouldn't have learned how to show people I'm talented. And if everyone had… — Gabourey Sidibe Copy Share Image
I always joke with people that having nephews is the best birth control there is. — Tahj Mowry Copy Share Image
He'll never be better than he is on the first date. Unless he's rich and hasn't told you yet. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
My background is part of my comedy. Your experiences are where the jokes come from. — Charlie Murphy Copy Share Image
I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes. I don't know how to tell jokes. — Rainn Wilson Copy Share Image
“I decided then and there never to become someone who told jokes when explanations were impossible.” — Jonathan Safran Foer Copy Share Image
Actually, I've been making jokes about the little bones in my hands; they can't handle my own power. — Raquel Pennington Copy Share Image
I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
I'm well aware when i've to use suck me or fuck me. Yea I'm classy like that! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I don't like the pressure to try to tell the best jokes. I'm not good at jokes. — Will Forte Copy Share Image
Almost every venerable tradition at a men's club starts out as a joke. — Joe Bob Briggs Copy Share Image
People have lost their sense of humor. In former times, we constantly made jokes about different races. — Clint Eastwood Copy Share Image
I've got foundation jokes, the ones that got me where I am, so everything I do just builds on top of that. — Gabriel Iglesias Copy Share Image
“Please believe me. I've nothing against you personally. It's just that I laugh at all jokes.” — Fakeer Ishavardas Copy Share Image
If people get their feelings hurt from jokes, then they are too delicate to be in society. — Ralphie May Copy Share Image
