I have a no-apology policy. No apologies for jokes. I apologize in my real life all the time. I say ridiculous things,… — Kathy Griffin Copy Share Image
“If it works, it will be plenty dramatic. And I suppose that if it doesn't work, it will be even more dramatic,… — Leigh Bardugo Copy Share Image
If something stinks, I say it stinks. But I try to massage it a little and not be as cutting, come behind… — Wanda Sykes Copy Share Image
The element of surprise - where you think you know where a joke is going, and then you're wrong. Those are my… — Riki Lindhome Copy Share Image
I'm not tied to the news cycle. I can do an episode on cultural appropriation, not on Rachel Dolezal. We might make… — Moshe Kasher Copy Share Image
That's something - you laugh about Eminem... It's funny, man, because I didn't like him when he first came out, ya know.… — Alan Vega Copy Share Image
“Well, you better look out. They got a new bureau in the guvamint files. It’s called U.W. Stands for Useless Wimmen. Tha’s… — Tennessee Williams Copy Share Image
“A joke is a witticism or play on words that’s meant to be funny. I say ‘meant to be’ because most jokes… — Michael Monroe Copy Share Image
Howard Stern gave me the best advice about Twitter and the N word. He said maybe onstage people get the intention behind… — Lisa Lampanelli Copy Share Image
I had one guy say, 'I watched your show and didn't agree with what you said.' And I'm like, 'It's a joke.… — Carlos Mencia Copy Share Image
Occasionally you get that one person that says "I really like that one part of this joke" and you go, "Oh thank… — John Mulaney Copy Share Image
My brother was listening to his transistor radio. He kept switching the earpiece from one ear to the other, which I thought… — Jane Lynch Copy Share Image
It's very interesting, the joke comes first and then the wording comes within five seconds, maybe ten seconds. My thing is to… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
The joke about SAP has always been, it's making '50s German manufacturing methodology, implemented in 1960s software technology, delivered to 1970-style manufacturing… — Marc Andreessen Copy Share Image
“Got something!" one of the men yelled. "Is it Mike?" another called, rushing from our sides. As everyone converged on the scene,… — Kelley Armstrong Copy Share Image
“There was once a man named Joe... Joe was insecure because he had no ears. Joe couldn’t hear a goddamn peep. And… — David Michael Miller Copy Share Image
“Spring me from this role I play of the smothered son in the Jewish joke! Because it's beginning to pall a little… — Philip Roth Copy Share Image
“Jason wasn't sure what to expect at the end--a dungeon, a mad scientist’s lab, or maybe a sewer reservoir where all Porta-Potty… — Rick Riordan Copy Share Image
Women don't have a sense of humor. They don't need one. The Almighty made them as a permanent joke on men. From… — Loretta Chase Copy Share Image
Tool of Communist agitators... it's really a joke, isn't it? Because, quite clearly, we are a party of real moderates. It just… — Helen Suzman Copy Share Image
One joke coming from one person can land completely flat, while somebody else delivering it in a unique way can really elevate… — Zoe Quinn Copy Share Image
I often joke that I've just become a professional schmoozer. Like, nobody cares how well I can rock climb anymore. It just… — Alex Honnold Copy Share Image
“Because he has finally realized that it is it and not him that is loved by the woman he loves, many a… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“A man and a woman cannot live together without having against each other a kind of everlasting joke. Each has discovered that… — Dean Koontz Copy Share Image
Guy says: Hey wanna hear a joke about my penis? Never mind, its too long. Girl says: Wanna hear a joke about… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Some women have kissed—and some are kissing—a lot of frogs, even though the very first man that they have each kissed was… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and… — Carlos Mencia Copy Share Image
The thing that's changed the way I do my stand-up act is having kids and getting older and wiser and smarter. There… — Larry the Cable Guy Copy Share Image
I need your help. I am injured, near death, and too weak to hike out of here. I am all alone. This… — Christopher McCandless Copy Share Image
Seriousness is an accident of time. It consists of putting too high a value on time. In eternity there is no time.… — Hermann Hesse Copy Share Image
With every side I've played for, I've always tried to fit in and joke with my team mates while enjoying good times… — Antoine Griezmann Copy Share Image
I would kill to be on 'Dexter,' and I would double kill to be on 'True Blood.' I would pay them to… — Callie Thorne Copy Share Image
I'm not really political in my comedy, and I'm not looking to have the best joke about Trump or the best joke… — Esther Povitsky Copy Share Image
Kids are appendages on so many family sitcoms. They'll come in, they'll make half a joke, and then they're like, 'OK, gotta… — Jason Jones Copy Share Image
My dad always said, 'There's no limit to the amount of people you can entertain as long as you're willing to be… — Cris Collinsworth Copy Share Image
I always say, if I tell you a joke right now and it's funny, you laugh. Now, we set the lights, and… — Martin Landau Copy Share Image
Being on 'The Office' prepared me for drama. Comedy got me ready, but once you get down to it, they're two sides… — Craig Robinson Copy Share Image
A white couple gets a black child. Angry husband asks- You white, Me white. Why is baby black? Wife- You hot, Me… — AB Copy Share Image
For a long time trans people have always been a joke. Our reputation has always been the bottom of the barrel and… — Carmen Carrera Copy Share Image
The most welcome joke to me is the one that takes the place of a heavy, not altogether innocuous thought, at once… — Friedrich Nietzsche Copy Share Image
