Humor Quotes · Page 64

“You drive on a PARKway and park on a DRIVEway”

— Elisabeth Austin

The ignorant ever shun and dread the gifted and enlightened.

— Francis Alexander Durivage

“I met an angel in Morocco and all I got were these lousy scars.”

— Laini Taylor

“Be careful what you tell me. You could end up in my next novel.”

— P.C. Zick

“Oh yeah? How about M'Lin the cursed?”

— Lj Smith

The only thing I know how to do is be funny - that's it.

— Leslie Jordan

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

— Mitch Hedberg

“I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated.
”

— Dark Jar Tin Zoo

“There's ten thousand wyes a hen can get into a gairden, but only the wan wye she can get oot, and it's…

— Neil Munro

When I'm playing comedy, it is such a crap shoot of what will work and what won't.

— Elaine Stritch

“humor is a spiritual journey to see the world in a unique, amusing way.”

— Ed Toolis

“My boyfriend is named Percocet," I say. "We're very close. I even went to Europe with him last summer.”

— E. Lockhart

Humor must be one of the chief attributes of God. Plants and animals that are distinctly humorous in form and characteristics are…

— Mark Twain

“Black and portentous must this humour prove, Unless good counsel may the cause remove.”

— William Shakespeare

“[The building] had been designed by an architect, so it bore little resemblance to any normal structure.”

— Gary Corby

“The one Jack had picked up was clearly of the flower/nature variety if he was vomiting foliage.”

— Missouri Dalton

“I know. I know. Just--hold on." He pulled out a thick headband. It was brown, with a plush fox head on the…

— John Green

I love comedy. Playing the underdog, and getting the laughs is my form of entertainment. I could think of nothing different that…

— Eugene Levy

'Northern Exposure.' I loved that show; I loved the way it was able to have episodes where somebody finds a woolly mammoth,…

— Edward Kitsis

“Remember: eye contact," he says. "And be sure to smile." "You are such a mom." "You know what your problem is?" "That…

— Christina Baker Kline

“Humor can heal the heart, instill hope, bring people together, and remind them that life isn’t meant to be so doggone serious.…

— Susan C. Young

A man's man is respectful, he's honorable, he's loyal, he's sensitive, he's strong, he's tough, he's well-groomed, he has a sense of…

— Frank Vincent

As a director, just to be able to jump in to do something that's different, and to explore comedy and be challenged…

— David Leitch

“That’s it,” Flanagan said, his thick hands gripping the bar and his eyes wide. “I’m getting back on the wagon and I’m…

— Kevin Hearne

I never lack material for my humor column when Congress is in session.

— Will Rogers

I've got a dope sense of humor, brah.

— alan

Dear Google: They are only using you to get to me! Sincerely Wikipedia

— Anonymous

“I’m too big of a fan of sin and debauchery to be a Christian.”

— J.C. Wickhart

Comedy is only as stupid as you are smart.

— Brian Celio

Improvisation is just writing in front of an audience.

— Carl Reiner

“ I wax poetic On the beauty of sewers Real short poem. Done ”

— Rick Riordan

I was open to anything, but comedy was what I really loved.

— Sam Lloyd

I graduated from Improv Olympic. I used to do standup comedy.

— Redfoo

“Failure is just success rounded down, my friend!”

— Ryan North

“You ought to sue that son of a whore”

— Stephen King

“Graveyards were the one place Belladonna never saw ghosts.”

— Helen Stringer

“I kind of think that everyone who disagrees with me is wrong.”

— John Green

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

— Steven Wright

“Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well. Think about it.”

— Elias Schwartz

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

— Jimmy Carr