Artie Lange

I was always a thin kid; I was an athlete.

— Artie Lange

It's good to be alive.

— Artie Lange

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

— Artie Lange

My dad was Superman to me, and in my mind he always will be.

— Artie Lange

I'm very resilient. The only thing I'm missing right now are abs.

— Artie Lange

“You haven’t lived till you’ve played Scrabble in a psych ward.”

— Artie Lange

I got into comedy so I could stay out all night.

— Artie Lange

To tell you the truth, I always wanted to be a sketch comedian and a comedy actor.

— Artie Lange

I ain't apologizing for anything, especially if it's a joke.

— Artie Lange

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

— Artie Lange

I have been in a lot of movies, but none of them are critics' darlings, you might say.

— Artie Lange

Jason Alexander is a committed actor, he went from working on a show about nothing to actually doing nothing.

— Artie Lange

I had a career before the Stern show, on Mad TV. I was on the first two seasons of that and I…

— Artie Lange

You know you have a gambling problem when it's 4 A.M. at the Mirage Sports Book and you're walking around going, 'Hey…

— Artie Lange

At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota

— Artie Lange

Richard Lewis is the master at taking a joke that he's told a million times in a row in the past year,…

— Artie Lange

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran…

— Artie Lange

I snorted heroin once by accident. It was amazing. But kids, don't snort heroin. It's too good.

— Artie Lange

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to…

— Artie Lange

When I encountered rich people for the first time, I discovered that not only do they holiday in places that are hard…

— Artie Lange

Only when you're in that ditch, lying there in the muddy runoff you've made of your life, gazing up at the peak…

— Artie Lange

I never went through a period were I wanted to be a doctor, a cop or even a rock star. All I…

— Artie Lange

I have gay friends, I support gay rights, I have nothing against the gay community, but when I see two guys kissing,…

— Artie Lange

When you're an adult, when times are good, entire years go by in what feels like the space of one season. But…

— Artie Lange

As a child, as far as I was concerned, my dad had an amazing job, and we had all the money we…

— Artie Lange

When I became a standup comic, my hero, one of them, was Richard Pryor, and you know, I think that comedians, like,…

— Artie Lange

Comedians, we're just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine. Like, if Jerry Seinfeld wasn't funny, you'd…

— Artie Lange

“The truly talented people in this world don’t talk about the shit they do, they just do it. The average and completely…

— Artie Lange

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

— Artie Lange

Women will do anything Oprah Winfrey says, and that is why we can't have women voting.

— Artie Lange

“It was an Easter Egg hunt where the eggs were all brown and only one kid was looking.”

— Artie Lange

I like gambling on stuff that you don't know anything about. That's when it's exciting.

— Artie Lange

The only reason I can't recommend heroin to kids is because the effects wear off.

— Artie Lange

I want to see Toby Maguire fight Christian Bale.

— Artie Lange

If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.

— Artie Lange

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

— Artie Lange

When you're on the road a lot, you're in perpetual search of a good night's sleep.

— Artie Lange

Thank God I have a financial planner who is really conservative.

— Artie Lange

It's not a drug problem, until you run out of money. Until then it's just drugs.

— Artie Lange

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.

— Artie Lange