“Life is like a dry handjob. Just when it starts getting good, it’s already over.” — Jayme K Copy Share Image
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
Did the Order return your sense of humor as part of the severance package? — Ilona Andrews Copy Share Image
I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood. — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
When I see something, I know why something's funny or seems to be funny. But in the end it's just another picture… — Garry Winogrand Copy Share Image
“A famous philosopher, Stormin' Norman Pleimann once said,"When the money is low, love will blow.” — Norm Pleimann Copy Share Image
“The only time I drink milk is when I drink coffee. I make love the same way—contributing 2% as I just sort… — Dark Jar Tin Zoo Copy Share Image
“Luck is my middle name," said Rincewind, indistinctly. "Mind you, my first name is Bad.” — Terry Pratchett Copy Share Image
“I hear they whip you for stealing." "Or put you in jail, or sell you into slavery, or kill you, depending on… — Orson Scott Card Copy Share Image
“Some people say they're afraid about dying. Noooo ... it's the fear of living totally in the moment, living fully engaged, and… — Art Hochberg Copy Share Image
“Perhaps it was his wife who mainly made him laugh, for there are people who can make us laugh even when they… — Javier Marías Copy Share Image
For whatever reason, I think we have one type of animated movie and it's so wrong. I want to do a drama,… — Genndy Tartakovsky Copy Share Image
As a five-year-old in Berlin in 1965, I didn't know that funny women existed. It wasn't until I got back to England… — Jenny Eclair Copy Share Image
Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
There wasn't a big tradition of comedy at Dartmouth. More than that, there wasn't really anything artsy going on in Hanover, or… — Mindy Kaling Copy Share Image
“Morning is an important time of day, because how you spend your morning can often tell you what kind of day you… — Lemony Snicket Copy Share Image
“There were pecans, there were cashews and then there was just plain nuts.” — Mary Hughes Copy Share Image
“To evade insanity and depression, we unconsciously limit the number of people toward whom we are sincerely sympathetic.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish". That's a good place to end. — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
When I'm doing a drama, I wish I was doing something funny. When I'm doing something funny, I wish I was doing… — Alan Ruck Copy Share Image
That's what I hate about a lot of comedies, when you're hitting a line or making it funny. — Jennifer Aniston Copy Share Image
“To function efficiently, any group of people or employees must have faith in their leader."- Capt. Bligh(ret.)” — Robert Lynn Asprin Copy Share Image
“We sometimes try to impress people we just met by not trying to impress them.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“Some people would have killed themselves and/or someone else if they were single; and some people would not have done that.” — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“It's great to be alive, isn't it? Especially when you consider the alternative.” — Jonathan Ross Copy Share Image
“Truax held up a business card. Randolph “The Hammer” Tinker Attorney at Law “I nail justice in the face.” — Chris Genoa Copy Share Image
No food for lazy men,uh huh! Well, in my country they own grocery stores — Nwori Joshua Copy Share Image
Never ascribe to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. — Napoleon Bonaparte Copy Share Image
“Whoever said that thing about how no man is an island probably doesn't live on one.” — Tim Hall Copy Share Image
“The easiest emotions for an author to evoke from readers are boredom and confusion.” — Raul Ramos y Sanchez Copy Share Image
Sometimes, you just get in this mentality of 'Fuck you, this is funny.' If you don't think so, you're the asshole. — Seth Rogen Copy Share Image
I love doing comedy. I did comedy for seven years on 'The King of Queens. — Lou Ferrigno Copy Share Image
Getting worried there might not be enough talent in America to acommodate all these singing shows. — Natasha Leggero Copy Share Image
The quickest way to a man's heart is not through the stomach but through his chest, with an axe. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Comedy is exaggerated realism. It can be stretched to the almost ludicrous, but it must always be believable. — Paul Lynde Copy Share Image
“See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit?… — Justin Halpern Copy Share Image
My favorite saying is, 'If you want to make god laugh, tell him about your plans.' — Kirron Kher Copy Share Image
“When Morton Silkline reached the hall, his customer was just flapping out a small window. Quite suddenly, Morton Silkline found the floor.” — Richard Matheson Copy Share Image
A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my… — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
America is deeply rooted in Negro culture: its colloquialisms; its humor; its music. — Sonny Rollins Copy Share Image
