“I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
“Faggots make the best friends," she said philosophically. "They're very loyal.” — Piper Kerman Copy Share Image
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!" — Henny Youngman Copy Share Image
“Red wine?' Sam asked with a smile on his lips. 'Tonic water?' he teased him.” — Alex C Copy Share Image
“I will play Truth or Dare, you sucker, until you can't tell your truth from your dare. -CAROLINE” — Alice Clayton Copy Share Image
“I can only make one person happy each day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow doesn't look good, either.” — Philip Gulley Copy Share Image
That's what I'm attracted to: how people face struggle - with humor - and how they handle tough situations in their lives… — Mike O'Malley Copy Share Image
Lots of women are getting involved. They're not satisfied just being passengers anymore. — Steve Martin Copy Share Image
You can't really do comedy if you're working with Ryan Reynolds, eh? He outplays everyone in that field, so I couldn't really… — Julian Dennison Copy Share Image
“[Ned Flanders]: Well looks like someone's having a pre-rapture party. [Homer Simpson]: No, Flanders. Its a meeting of gay witches for abortion,… — Matt Groening Copy Share Image
“Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in… — Nick Shamhart Copy Share Image
Religion is a personal, private matter and parents, not public school officials, should decide their children's religious training. We should not have… — George W. Bush Copy Share Image
I didn't know if I could be funny on stage or write a joke. But I saw that there are no rules.… — Kumail Nanjiani Copy Share Image
I was doing a college show for the first time, and there was this 20-year-old gay male who's been diabetic his entire… — Jessica Williams Copy Share Image
“Some sleepers have intelligent faces even in sleep, while other faces, even intelligent ones, become very stupid in sleep and therefore ridiculous.… — Fyodor Dostoevsky Copy Share Image
“That beautiful scarred face, the damaged voice, his kindness and humor, all of it made up this man who looked at her… — T.A. Grey Copy Share Image
If you are writing comedy and try to please everybody, you'll please nobody. — Brendan O'Carroll Copy Share Image
“You're the one with the badge," I admitted, "but I'm the one being haunted by a seven-year-old in a ballerina costume.” — Linda Lael Miller Copy Share Image
It's not funny when you actually get shot, but afterwards, yeah, it's funny. — Curtis Jackson Copy Share Image
“I loved the feeling of finally falling in love to someone who would love me back.” — Kristine Cuevas Copy Share Image
Of all states that understands local control of schools, Iowa is such a state. — George W. Bush Copy Share Image
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will… — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
Humor is practically the only thing about which the English are utterly serious. — Malcolm Muggeridge Copy Share Image
“The first moment someone calls for a revolution is usually the last moment I take them seriously.” — Chuck Klosterman Copy Share Image
“You’d have to take the good with the awesome to make tong-mates outta us.” — Daniel Thorman Copy Share Image
“... she reflects for a moment and then mutters to herself, 'Maybe that shithead’s right? Maybe God does hate Buffalo?” — Dave Lundy Copy Share Image
“I'm an acquired taste, he assured her, displaying one dimple, but addictive.” — Stephanie Bond Copy Share Image
Young Frank Pastore may have pitched the biggest victory of 1979. Maybe the biggest victory of the year! — Jerry Coleman Copy Share Image
“As far as he could remember, Sam slept through the night in deep content, if logs are contented.” — J.R.R. Tolkien Copy Share Image
Upgrade to the better health insurance plan in case your suicide attempt doesn't go so well. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Comedy will always be central to what I do, it's just an instinct for me, but I am a writer and always… — Ben Elton Copy Share Image
“My main regret in life is that there is no MacArthur Fellowship awarded in the field of Panda Satire.” — Anne Belov Copy Share Image
I think of myself as a funny guy but nobody thinks I'm funnier than my daughters. — Jerry O'Connell Copy Share Image
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. Natalie Wood — Natalie Wood Copy Share Image
What restrains us from killing is partly fear of punishment, partly moral scruple, and partly what may be described as a sense… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
As comedy presents the vital rhythm of self-preservation, tragedy exhibits that of self-consummation. — Susanne Katherina Langer Copy Share Image
“If anyone uses the words 'marvelous imagery' or 'narrative arc,' slap them for me.” — Liane Moriarty Copy Share Image
“Arthur lay in startled stillness on the acceleration couch. He wasn't certain whether he had just got space-sickness or religion.” — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
“You don’t know me.” “I know you’re not used to people telling you no.” “Never more than once.” — Shawn Wickersheim Copy Share Image
Ask me who I think is really good at comedy, it is Akshay Kumar. He has his own niche and makes me… — Arshad Warsi Copy Share Image
![“[Ned Flanders]: Well looks like someone's having a pre-rapture party. [Homer Simpson]: No, Flanders. Its a meeting of gay witches for abortion, you wouldn't be interested.” quote by Matt Groening](https://sms4smile.com/quotes/i/1f3/matt-groening-1946_homer-simpson_ned-flanders-well-looks-like-someone-s-h_2456837.jpg)
