“Emma, okay, enough with the singing. Mommy's getting a three-pill headache.” — Jeff Abbott Copy Share Image
“People can. And do. And do it all the time. Fallibility is a close friend of mine.” — J.M. Lawler Copy Share Image
“It's not like I got caught masturbating, for chrissake; she doesn't know me, why the hell would she care if I'm superstitious?… — S.D. Perry Copy Share Image
If they put pictures of lost kids on beer cans instead of milk cartons, we'd find them in about 15 minutes! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Sometimes I make myself laugh, but that's because I appreciate my sense of humor. — Regina Hall Copy Share Image
“Why are all you hets all so intercourse-centric? There's a lot more to sex than sticking it in and wiggling it around.” — Anne Tenino Copy Share Image
“From what he could see she had the legs of a much younger woman. Certainly not what he would have expected in… — Barbara Kingsolver Copy Share Image
“The two had been together since they were little girls, and so loved and hated each other like sisters.” — Christopher Moore Copy Share Image
I think the way comedy is represented on screen is it's either all fart jokes - and it's just laughter for the… — Hasan Minhaj Copy Share Image
I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect,… — Gilbert Gottfried Copy Share Image
I think I'm a natural appreciator of comedy. I was definitely not the girl in junior high that all the guys wanted… — Rashida Jones Copy Share Image
Every once in a while, friends leave sarcastic comments on photos. I know they're joking, but the sarcastic humor doesn't always translate… — Peyton List Copy Share Image
“It put him out of humor for the rest of the day.It stuck in his craw and festered thered.A nasty little canker… — Nora Roberts Copy Share Image
“Jack the Orderly: I've come for your tv. You've been using too much juice. Another 10,000 kilowatts again this month. Beats me… — Earl Mac Rauch Copy Share Image
“I'm fine," Kate said. "In fact, since my last two dates were so awful, things can only get better." "Bad deduction," Jessie… — Jennifer Crusie Copy Share Image
People ask what my influences are, and for me, it's not always obvious. One of my biggest inspirations was Chrissie Hynde from… — Tig Notaro Copy Share Image
“For Liza, a greeting is an opportunity to make new friends. For me, it's yet more people I'll have to avoid.” — Ariel Leve Copy Share Image
Humor is a way of holding off how awful life can be, to protect yourself. — Kurt Vonnegut Copy Share Image
Dulwich College takes me back after seventy years: My Mum must have written one hell of a sick note! — Bob Monkhouse Copy Share Image
“So, that's okay. It's not like you're turning into an Endarkened or something, like Kellen's evil stepbrother Anigrel the Black.” — Mercedes Lackey Copy Share Image
Without the beat in the background, Jazz basically sounds like an armadillo was let loose on the keyboard — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
“He wouldn't call a glass of water half full or half empty; he'd assume it was poisoned and run away. ” — Michael Reisman Copy Share Image
There is nothing more profoundly serious than real comedy, which is an affirmation of human communion, redemption and grace. — Michael Malone Copy Share Image
“If I were you, And you were I, I would kill myself, But you would die!” — Bruce Jennings Copy Share Image
Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humor was provided to console him for… — Horace Walpole Copy Share Image
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me ! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
“We may not speak the same language, but laughter speaks for us. It’s a bridge built in an instant across cultures, across… — Pamela Cox Copy Share Image
“Why do big men tend to have such little brains? Perhaps they get by on brawn too often, and their minds dry… — Joe Abercrombie Copy Share Image
New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. — David Letterman Copy Share Image
Humans had spent thousands of years climbing out of caves and building technology so they could reach the moon and live in… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
After all, when a thought takes one's breath away, a lesson on grammar seems an impertinence. — Thomas Wentworth Higginson Copy Share Image
Accents are funny. It sets me apart from the other girls doing comedy. It gives me more—how do you say?—pop-oo-laaarrrity. — Sofia Vergara Copy Share Image
After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash my Y-fronts for a month. — Chic Murray Copy Share Image
“But that’s the thing about dead people: they can’t warn you to keep your nose out of things that are going to… — LynDee Walker Copy Share Image
“You can do this, Adria. Don't wolf-out on me, especially not in my lap, alright? These are my favorite jeans.” — J.A. Redmerski Copy Share Image
“She knew it! Charlotte just knew it! And now her daughter was boyfriend-less! Yes! Wait-no! Oh no, poor Lu.” — Shannon Hale Copy Share Image
You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting. — John Oliver Copy Share Image
I like girls with a good sense of humour. Girls who are a lot of fun to be around. — Corbin Bleu Copy Share Image
“I stepped forward as commanded, wondering which of the many rules I had broken now.” — Georg Rauch Copy Share Image
Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
