Humor Quotes · Page 456

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.

— Mitch Hedberg

Just a reminder that you dont have to tell Facebook or Twitter goodnight...you can just shut up.

— Anonymous

Our first gig was a battle of the bands. We did 45 minutes of comedy and never played a note - and…

— Cheech Marin

Everybody grows up with comedy. I mean, Egyptian comedy has a very, very old tradition. Our theater and our movies are just,…

— Bassem Youssef

You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got AN IDIOT!

— Jeff Foxworthy

It's hard not to immediately fall in love witha dog who has a good sense of humor.

— Kate DiCamillo

“You are just landmark stupid, aren't you? Has Guinness called yet about that world record?”

— Rachel Caine

In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you…

— Dave Barry

“Adrian, we hashed this out! Everything's gone perfectly until now. Why would you even think about deviating from the plan?' 'Um, because…

— Richelle Mead

“You better hope she doesn't say a word," Gabe warned, lifting a finger to Uri's nose. Uri grabbed the finger laughing, "What…

— Wendy Owens

“Roger said, 'I don't know about having a shrink around all the time. Are you analyzing me right now?' Sophie rolled her…

— Jennifer Lane

“Kinsley, I'v never liked any girl more than I like M&Ms." "Am I getting close?" I joked. "I'd say I like you…

— R.S. Grey

“To blame me in the past is a very future me thing to do. But what am I supposed to do, scapegoat…

— Jarod Kintz

I have a crazy sense of humor so if someone is just trying to be rude to me, or if you can…

— Jhene Aiko

“A few seconds after he stepped out into the hallway and closed the door behind him, there was a fleshly smack and…

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

“What was that expression? It’s when you’re not looking for something that you find it. well she wasn’t about to put that…

— Michele Gorman

In general, I think comedy is more difficult to write, to direct, and to act successfully.

— Jack Lemmon

I want my films to be entertaining: not comedy, but something which is gripping.

— Prabhas

One key lesson of history is that virtually anything, including afternoon or evening thundershowers, causes Germany to invade Belgium.

— Dave Barry

Dont do it behind the garden gate.. love is blind, but neighbors ain't.. :)

— Megz

You remind me of my big toe. Mainly, because I am going to bang you on every piece of furniture I own.

— Anonymous

Many demons are in woods, in waters, in wildernesses, and in dark poolly places ready to hurt...people.

— Martin Luther

“I’m sorry that your mystical, godlike powers do not instantly work as you would like them to.”

— Brandon Sanderson

My career is chequered. Then I think I got pigeon-holed in humor; Shakespeare is not my thing.

— Maggie Smith

Directors have been trying to get me to do comedy for a long time, ever since One Eight Seven.

— Clifton Collins, Jr

I think hip-hop does a very good job of infusing comedy and humor and wit into music, a lot more than other…

— Carrie Brownstein

“I don't know who thought up waxing, but it was clearly the same person who invented Vicodin.”

— Chelsea Handler

“It's a good thing, right, when an author gets turned on by the dirty scenes they write?!”

— Martha Sweeney

I like grown-up comedy, where it's about character and attitude and life as opposed to obvious gross-out and jokes.

— Ricky Gervais

“Doakes had a first name! It was Albert - had anyone ever really called him that? Unthinkable. I had assumed his name…

— Jeff Lindsay

I think people are surprised to learn that Im pretty goofy and pretty funny.

— Susan Egan

“It was like being in an exciting movie, except I didn't know whether it was a romance or a comedy.”

— Louise Rennison

“This grown man who now phones his father to say, "Motherfucker, I ain't seen pussy so long, I'd throw stones at it.”

— David Sedaris

“We call them grunters. They're ghost hunters but grunters is more appropriate because most of them are pigs.”

— Wendy Milton

Whats the point of having a King size bed if you dont have a Queen to share it with.

— Sonya Parker

“Admit your kung fu is weak, and I will spare you the final blow.” “Eat [censored] and die, [also censored]!”

— Daniel Thorman

Trousers can never be too tight. You have to go through a couple of days of pain, then everything stretches out.

— Noel Fielding

I'm always blown away by stand-ups. I'm blown away by people like that who are craftspeople at comedy.

— Kathryn Hahn

It became sort of a snowball effect, with guys trying to deal in their own way with 9/11, whether it was drinking…

— Denis Leary

Well, I have one consolation. No candidate was ever elected ex-president by such a large majority!

— William Howard Taft