Humor Quotes · Page 454

I've just read that I am dead. Don't forget to delete me from your list of subscribers.

— Rudyard Kipling

“You also yell at the pigeons outside, watch too many cooking shows, and have a blog entirely dedicated to pictures of yourself.”

— Marie Jacquelyn

“While you're moving about your way in this world, just remember, read long and prosper. Cheers!”

— Virginia Vayna

“Men circle like bees around honey, buzzing to communicate their sexual despair.”

— Carla H Krueger

'Where's Bill going?' He's going to comedy death. Boom! He pops out of it with another joke. It's my particular style.

— Bill Hicks

In a few years priests will say, 'You may now change your relationship status to husband and wife.'

— Anonymous

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

— Steven Wright

To the two secrets to a long-lasting happy marriage: Here's to good sense of humor - and a short memory!

— Anonymous

“You will show that thing to me and from now on, I will deal with them." I opened my eyes really wide…

— Ilona Andrews

“Be careful,” Zitora said. “He’s armed.” “I’m a Stormdancer! Mere metal is nothing compared with the power of a storm.” Kade made…

— Maria V. Snyder

“What the hell is the matter with Eddie? Ruth was thinking. If he doesn't stop staring at me, I'm going to drive…

— John Irving

“I can’t believe you grew up and ate a monkey. Worse, I can’t believe I let a guy who ate a monkey…

— Rachel Gibson

I am primarily a comedian. Sometimes I also do comedy about my cats. Now unless you find metaphors in cats, there is…

— Varun Grover

I gave myself three years and I said no matter what happens in those three years, I'm not going to stop comedy…

— Chris Redd

“Closed. Plenty of time to see it later, remember?" He leads me into the courtyard, and I take the opportunity to admire…

— Stephanie Perkins

“Jenny: You didn't leave? Gareth: Of course I left. I was hungry, and I couldn't find anything to eat. I bought a…

— Courtney Milan

“I may have humored you in the past, but I’m done pretending. From now on, please accept that this is what I…

— Kelsey Sutton

“All he ever wanted was a comfortable chair and a place in history. Well, he was robbed of one and died in…

— Neal Shusterman

“He tossed the potato up and down, up and down, a thin smile creeping out from the corners of his mouth.”

— Sharon Cameron

Eddie Murphy was the Michael Jordan of comedy. He had a full range of abilities.

— Aries Spears

I went to see my doctor with a nasty pain in the ass. Turns out he's already met my wife.

— Nikhil Saluja

“Then my abuelita booms out words, loud and clear. She always says the words should be round as dimes and as wild…

— Tony Johnston

Our sense of humour is complementary. I'm populist; and Paul's more sophisticated.

— Harry Enfield

As a kid, I saw a lot of scary movies, but they were mixed with comedy, like 'Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein.'

— Michael Rooker

I'd like to get my own TV show on, whether it's a talk show or a comedy, that I write.

— Jim Norton

I refuse to enter a wet T-Shirt Contest until my breasts look more like breasts, and less like something I should tuck…

— Kelli Jae Baeli

Good humor is one of the best articles of dress one can wear in society.

— William Makepeace Thackeray

“The primary difference between sex and death is, with death there is no dress code”

— Josh Stern

Enos Cabell started out here with the Astros, and before that he was with the Orioles.

— Jerry Coleman

I came into comedy to make people laugh. If the fact that I can't stop eating Hobnobs in any way helps, I'm…

— Greg Davies

I've always been an optimist and I believe laughter is a wonderful thing

— Alice Herz-Sommer

“[T]he pain was unspeakable, worse than reading the collected works of Edith Wharton.”

— Kevin Hearne

The only thing darker than 'Overboard' is 'Micki & Maude,' the bigamy comedy from 1984.

— Mark Duplass

“i don't like normal people they r bored. They do the same thing over and over again.”

— Nikhil Yadav

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

— Steven Wright

“I am a master of folklore - I should be able to throw folklore fireballs or something.”

— Michael R. Underwood

“Do you think he's the murderer?" "It's worse than that -- he's an actor!”

— Julian Fellowes

Women dont want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think in a deeper voice.

— Bill Cosby

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

— David Cross

As far as stand-up comedy, I got into the business later than most, yeah.

— Charlie Murphy