“By gad, is that you, Ainswood? I haven't seen you in a dog's age. How's the gout? Still troubling you?” — Loretta Chase Copy Share Image
“... the moral is plain. Avoid, if possible, being bored yourself or boring others.” — Aldous Huxley Copy Share Image
“You know there’s plenty of love to go around. It takes the right situation to bring it out of people – and… — Art Hochberg Copy Share Image
“I knw that babies stare at me cuz they're curious or whatever, but I still kinda want to fight them. #RudeAssBaby” — Gabourey Sidibe Copy Share Image
“I'm realizing that some of my greatest (or at least most determined) genius lies in my ability to procrastinate.” — Scott Stabile Copy Share Image
“A burro is an ass. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A reporter should know the difference.” — Fred Reed Copy Share Image
The comedy community does not like me at all. It's ego-driven and competitive. Everyone's jealous of everybody, and I've been there. — Matt Rife Copy Share Image
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
“Arianne had her feet up on the table, wearing a striped conductor's cap. Arriane was fixated on the game. A chocolate cigar… — lauren kate Copy Share Image
I think people were just seriously happy to find a funny woman who does comedy like a man. Because I learned how… — Lisa Lampanelli Copy Share Image
“You're amazing," she whispered hoarsely. He pushed back the hair from her face. "You too." "How? All I do is let you… — Ashlyn Chase Copy Share Image
One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“Calling a tongue piecing 'cosmetic' is a bit of a stretch, since you don't get one because it makes you look better.… — Josh Bazell Copy Share Image
No other show was as absurd as 'Crackerjack'. It had Stu Francis, who was the first person I saw on TV telling… — Paul Sinha Copy Share Image
I just heard a very funny story about somebody who died yesterday, I'm sorry to say so but it was so absurd… — Sophie Marceau Copy Share Image
“Sticking one's head in the sand is a deep human impulse. Like when you feel some kind of bump or growth on… — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds'… — Jeff Foxworthy Copy Share Image
“Never let other people bring you down let Jesus be the one who brings you down, because he knows what he is… — Skye Daphne Copy Share Image
Well, being a Canadian, I love SCTV, and I think it's the basis for all good North American comedy, so I compare… — Melissa Auf der Maur Copy Share Image
“Saving time is so important that I'm not even going to finish this sen-it's lunchtime already? Yum yum.” — Craig Benzine Copy Share Image
Being mature is when you finally grow enough, to be able to joke about the things that once broke you as a… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“The best thing to learn from any government is that it does not get affacted by what other people talk or think… — Amit Kalantri Copy Share Image
I got my passport aplications sent back. Apparantly then question place of birth? Between my mother's legs isn't acceptable. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you are a small company taking on a big company, you need to have a sense of humor. — Richard Branson Copy Share Image
I always wanted a beautiful loving wife and she always wanted to be a citizen. — Emo Philips Copy Share Image
“Handsome, fictional men were so much easier to stomach then real life ones.” — Tarryn Fisher Copy Share Image
“Blessed are those who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused,'" Gabriel quoted. "One of the unrecorded… — Terri Garey Copy Share Image
“I'd like to show you who's the boss, but I'm afraid it would only confirm that you are.” — Jane Seabrook Copy Share Image
“A i urreni njerëzit? Unë nuk i urrej ata ... Unë vetëm ndjehen mirë kur ata nuk janë përreth. ” — Charles Bukowski Copy Share Image
“It's like losing a knut and finding a galleon Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix” — jk rowling Copy Share Image
I convinced him his luggage had gone to that big Bermuda Triangle in the sky. — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
Once you have perceived that life is very cruel, the only response is to live with as much humanity, humour and freedom… — Sarah Kane Copy Share Image
Man is a slow, sloppy and brilliant thinker; the machine is fast, accurate and stupid. — William Moore Kelly Copy Share Image
“FINALLY she had convinced him that she would still respect him in the morning.” — Anne Taintor Copy Share Image
I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it. That way they won't find out. — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
“Calculus was not math. It was a fucking science experiment gone wrong.” — Abbi Glines Copy Share Image
I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number of carats in a diamond. — Mae West Copy Share Image
I think the possibility of continuing on a comedy is greater than a drama. — John Landgraf Copy Share Image
“But sometimes it takes only a photograph and a sentence to make an author cry himself to sleep even years after the… — Lemony Snicket Copy Share Image
