Humor Quotes · Page 438

Wit penetrates; humor envelops. Wit is a function of verbal intelligence; humor is imagination operating on good nature.

— Peggy Noonan

I first started as an actor, but there was no money in it, which is why I drifted into comedy.

— Bradley Walsh

It is perhaps life's greatest accomplishment to live to old age, maintaining one's wits, one's sense of humor, one's health, and one's…

— Yehudi Menuhin

“Hello?' 'Mum?' 'Yes! Who's that?.' 'Your only son.' A pause. 'Daniel?' To be fair, I'd only given her one clue.”

— Danny Wallace

At bank, post office or supermarket, there is one universal law which you ignore at your own peril: the shortest line moves…

— Bill Vaughan

I am always a great fan of keeping things on an eye level for comedy because it plays better.

— James Bobin

Comedy actually works best when you're living in an OK world, and you are pointing out the hypocrisy in apathy.

— Tim Minchin

“If Lincoln freed the slaves and preserved the Union, how come 'Lincolnesque' just means tall?”

— Calvin Trillin

“...she had enough experience around testosterone to know the shit going through a man's head at any given moment should never be…

— Terri Osburn

“But if there was hope, it lay in the proles. You had to cling on to that. When you put it in…

— George Orwell

From my mother came the idea that going down to the sea repaired the spirit. That is where she walked when she…

— Robert MacNeil

“The Great Malevolence had been squatting in the blackness for a very long time. He was there billions of years before people,…

— John Connolly

How complicated can ice cream flavors be? How much can you put in there? I mean, when the flavor's something like banana…

— Marc Maron

“...[G]reat progress was evident in the last Congress of the American 'Labour Union' in that among other things, it treated working women…

— Karl Marx

“I didn’t know you were such a light-weight. I would have cut you off, Love Lump.” I make a face, digging the…

— Pella Grace

I have this idyllic love life, but my mind just won't accept that. I would like to bring a new guy home…

— Jen Kirkman

Women, as they grow older, rely more and more on cosmetics. Men, as they grow older, rely more and more on a…

— George Jean Nathan

I don't laugh that much, but I do like humorous books, and I like to entertain readers that way.

— Jonathan Ames

“Greed is a contagious mental illness without which civilization as we know it would not have been possible.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up,…

— Steven Wright

“She headed for a wide flat rock on the creek's bank, her posture still demanding 'no trespassing' but no longer 'trespassers will…

— Kristen Heitzmann

Incongruity, they say, is one of the main ingredients of humor. Maybe it's because everybody can feel superior to me. I honestly…

— Emmett Kelly

In Washington, officials from the National Rifle Association met with a group of high school students. There were no survivors.

— Tina Fey

God probably thinks it’s worth giving a sense of humor only to those of us who have to laugh at all the…

— Allison Pearson

“My eyelashes tickled the peephole." from Fogged Up Fairy Tale (Summer 2014)”

— Denise Baer

I think having funny characters is just one way of having three-dimensional characters.

— Ti West

“Felicia (to Grayson) - To think Eliza truly does seem to be under the misimpression that you're capable of charm.”

— Jen Turano

I would never bring a kid to a comedy show myself, but I have noticed that I can't stop other people from…

— Kristen Schaal

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

— Mitch Hedberg

“I sometimes wonder if my last words on this earth will be something like, 'Oh, I knew this wouldn't work.”

— Quinn Cummings

Cool is the enemy of funny. You can't be cool and be funny at the same time. Only Eddie Murphy could do…

— Tracy Morgan

“You're Professor Mills? The new one who teaches history?" As opposed to the old Professor Mills who preached overthrow of the government?”

— Josh Lanyon

In the U.K. I'm probably better known as a comedy writer - or certainly that's my background is in writing comedy.

— Charlie Brooker

“The hips were the leaders of this conspiracy. So I rang my boss and held the phone to my hips so he…

— Cecelia Ahern

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

— Mitch Hedberg

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was…

— Tommy Cooper

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

— Frankie Boyle

“Great Gates almighty,” HARV said inside my brain. “I go off-line for a few nanos and the whole world goes to DOS.”

— John Zakour

“Millennial humor is everything that is wrong with our civilization,” I whispered back. “Human existence reduced to a meme.” Stacy”

— Sadia Ash

Proof computers are female: Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

— Anonymous