Humor Quotes · Page 411

For such a big chunk of my comedy career, I was very into the idea of ice and diamonds and silver.

— Julio Torres

“You look like a cat beat your ass as comeuppance for everything dogs have done to them.”

— Shawntelle Madison

Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's…

— Woody Allen

“I could spend the rest of my life writing and drawing books for kids and be a very happy man.”

— Daniel Sean Kaye

“All I know is that when I whisper to dirt, my conversations are less than meaningful.”

— Maggie Stiefvater

“I feel that the characters in my book, if they were real, would be like, "Seriously, another plot twist?”

— Kaya Carvajal

I've always felt, and I think I've been pigeonholed by the media, as being a very separate voice to the rest of…

— Omid Djalili

“I had a dream about you last night.. you were trying to give coordinates to an apple”

— Nicole McKay

“Take me to my new trailer,” Ezra ordered Dennis. Dennis didn't move. “What, did you not hear me?” Ezra raged. “I'm standing…

— Obert Skye

True friends are the ones that give you the shoulder to cry on. Best Friends are the ones that are ready with…

— Anonymous

“Just 'Your mother.'" But it doesn't work if girls say it to each other," she continues. "You have to have a penis…

— Melina Marchetta

“Lydia: What the devil do you mean by creeping up on me? You're suppose to be in a brothel. Vere: I lied.…

— Loretta Chase

I believe there are two ways of writing novels. One is mine, making a sort of musical comedy without music and ignoring…

— P. G. Wodehouse

I've always chosen my band members based on their sense of humor. It might sound stupid, but it means not only are…

— Kristin Hersh

“...avoid – like the measles – phony laughter. No, really. If you don’t find it to be funny, don't laugh. More evil…

— Jenna Brooks

I would start off with a lively rag, then would come a ballad, followed by a comedy song and a novelty number,…

— Sophie Tucker

“Henry Jones: I didn't know you could fly a plane! Indiana Jones: Fly -- yes, land -- no.”

— Rob MacGregor

You can handle anything if you think you can. Just keep your cool and your sense of humor.

— Smiley Blanton

“In some cases, you can tell how somebody is being treated by their own boss from the way they are treating someone…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I love it when my justifications for avoiding housework are actually legitimate.

— Julie Kenner

“There is a difference between being mad and being surrounded by retards.”

— Blanco

“You can't trust just any old person who comes along with a hundred puffins and a pretty face!”

— Catherynne M. Valente

I just love that part of comedy, where you see somebody's jokes develop. They try something new to see what works, and…

— Maria Bamford

I think you really have to tap into your sense of humor in order to survive.

— Taylor Swift

“If you talk about someone behind their back, doesn't that mean you are in front of them?”

— Jordan Smith

Well, I hope before Glenn goes, he'll come up here so we can give him a big hug and a kiss, because…

— Jerry Coleman

“The bride will keep her name and, after considerable negotiation, the groom will, too.”

— Meg Waite Clayton

I have issues with food and weight and I can make that funny. The audience loves it. I have fun with it.

— John Pinette

Comedy is good at analysing and dealing with evil because it doesn't present it as evil but a collection of banalities.

— David Farr

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

— Steven Wright

“Lebanon is the only country where media kills more than bombs, injures more than guns...and at last they say freedom of speech...”

— Hussein S. Hariri

Humor is essential to survival. Funny poems are vastly underrated. Very underwritten.

— Rachel Zucker

“My job is to scream cockle-doodle-doo. Don't blame me if the sun doesn't rise.”

— Janet Skeslien Charles

“Oh, Lord, she thought. This was crazy. She was being haunted by one ghost and guarded by another.”

— Heather Graham

Comedy fans are the best fans. They embrace and support you doing low-budget work and will follow you to the end of…

— June Diane Raphael

I have always found humor in places where humor wasn't necessarily intended.

— Silas Weir Mitchell

Jerry Bruckheimer creates comedy, he just doesn't realize because he's a turd.

— Trey Parker

“I like pancakes! And I have a gun. I shoot bad guys with it. Sometimes, bad guys go to sleep and don't…

— Stephen Jenner

“We didn’t have a date. A date ends in a kiss, not blood and broken cartilage.”

— Cath Crowley

She knew what all smart women knew: Laughter made you live better and longer.

— Gail Parent