Humor Quotes · Page 346

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

— Groucho Marx

“- My little brother craps himself." I laughed. "- Well, maybe it's because he's, like, only one?" "- Whatever, it's still gross.”

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

I'm equally terrified of both comedy and drama. The only thing I'm really comfortable with is action.

— Michael Shannon

“Seize something wonderful; don't lose your chance waiting for it to become legal.”

— Bauvard

The Padres, after winning the first game of the doubleheader, are ahead here in the top of the fifth and hoping for…

— Jerry Coleman

“If you hear voices, you’re a lunatic. If you write down what they say, you’re an author.”

— Dani Harper

A lot of times what's satisfying to me in comedy is when a woman successfully does self-care.

— Jenny Slate

If you became a comedian in the '80s, you had to work the circuit and make people laugh. Canned laughter is cheating.

— Paul Merton

“According to Marcie's mom, only people with no class actually use the word class . If you have it, then you never…

— Kristin Walker

After spending 460 days as a hostage, I did emerge a fundamentally changed person. But I think, like everyone does as they…

— Amanda Lindhout

People are texting and smash into the car in front of them - I think there is some humor in that. And…

— Joe Walsh

The kinds of shows that seem to work now, the comedy shows, are those which require very little attention. They're superficial and…

— Mary Tyler Moore

“Thorn grunted and the metal control fell from his spasming fingers. It bounced across the dusty concrete and I stomped down as…

— Erica Lindquist

“If they tell me one more time that I'm using the wrong fork for a part of a meal, I swear I'll…

— Jennifer Ellision

“Just making the cement now, only takes five minutes." "I did it in four once," Pauly whispered boastfully to Johnny, "but if…

— Clare Havens

“No. This was a crude and adolescent way of talking to the fairer gender, it rarely works. When it does work, the…

— J.C. Wickhart

“Deceivingly, Miss Neville, the word vodka means 'little water.' The Russians are masters of the understatement." - Lord Nash”

— Liz Carlyle

“I guess like most natural health and nutrition researchers, my background comes from a professional career in stand-up comedy.”

— T.C. Hale

“On Twitter at last, and can't think of a thing to say. Some writer I turned out to be.”

— Stephen King

I remember seeing 'Spinal Tap' at a young age and being like, 'That's how you perform comedy.'

— Bill Hader

“Trust me,’ he says with a touch of impatience. ‘Stop asking me to do that,’ I say, equally as impatiently.”

— Sarah Alderson

“It's okay to be a loser, it just depends on how good you are at being one.”

— Billie Joe Armstrong

“Chris says his father was born on the corner of straight and narrow...”

— John Marsden

I've got a lot of laughter lines. You don't get laughter lines on your face without having a lot of fun in…

— Deborah Meaden

“Quietly trying to manifest what you want doesn’t work, being a bitch does.”

— Jonna Ivin

After having seen my dad do so much in comedy, I know I have a legacy to live up to.

— Ananya Panday

In my opinion, sexiness comes down to three things: chemistry, sense of humor, and treatment of waitstaff at restaurants.

— Rhoda Janzen

Comedy as dissent or any art form as dissent is going to be our last safety valve.

— Varun Grover

“That's how I want to go. Taking my own way out and totally pissing everybody off at the end.”

— L.J. Smith

I've always figured that if God wanted us to go to church a lot He'd have given us bigger behinds to sit…

— P. J. O'Rourke

I never knew an early-rising, hard-working, prudent man, careful of his earnings, and strictly honest who complained of bad luck.

— Henry Ward Beecher

“Whoa, don't assume, dude," Marco said. "My mom always said, when you assume you make an ass of u and me --”

— Peter Lerangis

“Insanity is always a reasonable diagnosis when you're dealing with writers and artists”

— Scott Adams

“They're butterflies because...well, he thought it was cool. They eat humans.”

— Katsura Hoshino

“Thank you, Deke. You are very good to me.” “I know,” he smirks. “Can I get back in your bed now?”

— Alison Kemper

I think there's a little confusion between humor and 'gross' passing for humor. That's kind of regrettable, because they aren't the same…

— Bob Newhart

When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.

— Noel Fielding

“My demons creep like a pedo in a park full of kids. Each one reminding me of the consequences, what I didn’t…

— Ken Dereste Dorcely

“I may not always walk the straight and narrow, but I sure in hell try to cross it as often as I…

— J. Golden Kimball

I love broad comedy. It has its place. If I were to do that, I'd love to do physical comedy.

— Rashida Jones