Humor Quotes · Page 344

After graduation, I was floundering in L.A., doing stand-up comedy and working in a shoe store in the Valley.

— Kevin Spacey

“Asininity was puddling all around me in quantities too vast to soak up. - It Looked Different on the Model”

— Laurie Notaro

There's something about political comedy that sometimes closes people off, and my general goal is to open people right up.

— Negin Farsad

“Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Good-looking people marry good-looking people and the others take what's left.”

— Alan Bennett

You see, I get so much fun out of thinking that I don’t want to destroy this pleasant machine that makes life…

— Richard P. Feynman

“I shouldn't say bad things about the illiterate, though..I should write it.”

— Mike Birbiglia

Admit it, the only thing that can make your lazy butt get up is when your laptop says 10% Battery Remaining.

— Anonymous

Three reasons you should stand up: to stretch, you need to go somewhere, or you are the real slim shady.

— Anonymous

“Acheron: You're really not right, are you? Nick: Yeah. I know. It was all the paint chips I ate as a kid.…

— Sherrilyn Kenyon

Saturday Night Live is such a comedy boot camp in a way, because you get to work with so many different people…

— Will Ferrell

As a human being, as you go through the course of your day, you might wake up with the shittiest day, and…

— Killer Mike

“What you feel for me, is it caused by your vampirism, or do you yourself feel that way? Because, I mean, I…

— J.L. McCoy

Limousines used to be reserved for the ruling class, or, on special occasions, for the working class. Today, limousines are like taxicabs…

— Erma Bombeck

“Let me soap you," he murmured. "Thank you for your good intentions," she said, "but my two hands are quite enough." "Even…

— Gabriel García Márquez

The more you progress, the more you learn. I try to pay attention to ticket counts, draws, guarantees and bonuses. I look…

— Hannibal Buress

For some reason, comedy just comes easily to me, and I feel like I can do it. I don't have any doubt.…

— Andrea Anders

“I want people to be allowed to make jokes about, and discuss, anything they want. I don’t think people should be ostracized…

— Milo Yiannopoulos

I think if you turn down the volume on the good comedy, you should not even know if it's a comedy or…

— Peter Billingsley

There are many non-intellectual countries; Australia is one of the few anti-intellectual ones.

— George Mikes

I can't think of another place other than TV where a five-person sketch comedy group could make a living.

— Adam Conover

“Are you real?” Stupid. Of course he’s real. “Yes, Julie. I’m not the mystical man from your dreams.”

— Caroline George

Men are like puppies, adorable, then you take them home and they crap over everything you ever treasured.

— Anonymous

You'd got a baseball game, or a football game, basketball game, "USA! USA! USA!" Hey, calm down! Got a little German on…

— Chris Rock

“I keep my feet candy-coated because I never know when one or both of them will wind up in my mouth.”

— Linda Yezak

Next up [new TV stars] was [Dean] Martin and [Jerry] Lewis on 'The Colgate Comedy Hour.'

— Norman Lear

I love National Geographic. Just when you think you've seen the last lost native tribe, National Geographic will find a new one.

— Sandra Bernhard

“I hate carrying a torch, which is weird because otherwise I'm such a pyromaniac”

— Josh Stern

“Wait, you are not even surprised that your own uncle, framed you, for an assassination?” “No, I’m surprisingly not surprised.".”

— Rea Lidde

When life gives you lemons, go find a kid with a paper cut and make his life miserable.

— Anonymous

I'm a performer. I do comedy and music, and I blend them together. My band is 'Nasty Delicious!'.

— Craig Robinson

“I'm convinced that Theoretical Physicist is just another way of saying BS Artist.”

— J.C. Cassels

“The pistachio: it's just like our politics. When the two sides are divided, that's when the nuts come out.”

— Stephen Colbert

“Elsa thinks about how Granny used to say, 'You have standards and I have double standards, and so I win.”

— Fredrik Backman

“ Temporis filia veritas; cui me obstetricari non pudet . Truth is the daughter of time, and I feel no shame in…

— Johannes Kepler

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to…

— Doug Stanhope

“It's cloaked in cultural mumbo jumbo, but I assure you that it is very hard science.”

— Jonathan Maberry

“Hey you scummers, we got a cheap lawyer and we're no' afraid tae use him!" Rob Anybody.”

— Terry Pratchett

Humor is essential to a full and happy life. It is a reliever and relaxer of pressure and tension, and the saving…

— Richard L. Evans

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.

— Anonymous

A jury too often has at least one member more ready to hang the panel than to hang the traitor.

— Abraham Lincoln