Humor Quotes · Page 341

“You are a total bitch with no humor. Please go get treatment and ENJOY my latest novel!!!! You old crow!" [Response to…

— Susan Reinhardt

“Looking cool on Facebook isn't worth the cost of looking a cock in real life.”

— Mark Walters

The ability to understand and deliver comedy and tragedy is extremely rare in one composer.

— Signe Baumane

Bob Davis has his hair differently this year, short with curls like Randy Jones wears. I think you call it a Frisbee.

— Jerry Coleman

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

— Steven Wright

I'd known the Duke of Edinburgh over a period of 40 years, so I'd long been accustomed to his sense of humor.

— Gyles Brandreth

“Jimmy Murray, you are an ass,' said Aunt Ruth, angrily. 'Well, we're cousins,' agreed Cousin Jimmy pleasantly.”

— L.M. Montgomery

“Why do humans never do as they're told? Someone should replace you all with robots. No, on second though, they shouldn't, bad…

— Jonathan Morris

“I warned you; I warned you I was the Senses Taker," sneered the Senses Taker. "I help people find what they're not…

— Norton Juster

You feel like telling him you're not single in the way that he thinks you're single. After all, you have yourself. I…

— Sloane Crosley

“A loud whine cut through the day's quiet and Josie looked out the window to find a man wearing some kind of…

— Dave Eggers

“I’ve given up men.” At that, he arched a brow. Be strong. Be confident. Be… Neytiri from Avatar. Okay, so Neytiri was…

— Jill Shalvis

I do love comedy, but I'm not brave enough to tackle a script whose goal is to make you laugh. That's tough.…

— William H. Macy

I did a comedy with Al Franken about his character Stuart Smalley, which was really about alcoholism and addiction and codependency. It…

— Harold Ramis

I grew up with Morecambe and Wise, they were part of Christmas, part of Easter, part of our lives. They were the…

— Nigel Havers

“Lust? I have no desire to incite lust in anyone." Veliss turned to her with a quizzical expression, her smile suddenly genuine.…

— Anthony Ryan

I've got it all in here ultra violets, flying saucers, strawberry bootlace come on get involved.

— Noel Fielding

You stand for nothing. You respect nobody. The music you dance to is devoid of beauty, its lyrics empty of humor or…

— David Klass

“It's like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane!”

— J.B. Stanley

“I once heard a tobacco-chewing hog farmer say that, in Iowa, folks like to spread out their children like dog shit on…

— Andrew Smith

Truly, with a sitcom and the rhythms of comedy... music is so helpful in that area of life.

— Sabrina Carpenter

A sad truth I've learned is that I watch a lot less live comedy than I did before it became my job.

— Lolly Adefope

It's good Xerox is known for its copying machines, and it's good Jim Carrey is known for comedy.

— Steve Guttenberg

Half the battle is that people have to like you before you say one joke, one bit of humor.

— Don Rickles

“Jack Woodson is currently living and working in Dallas, TX. He has forty children, and all of them have different mothers.”

— John Pearson

“You know it's going to be one of those days when the cat uses the carpet as a bum wipe…”

— Hope Barrett

Sometimes I had difficulty remembering that 'all you can eat' is not a personal challenge.

— Marika Christian

Usually, if I think something is really funny, it doesn't get any reaction whatsoever.

— David Sedaris

I was sort of the class-clown type, and I was also in school plays, and I always liked comedy.

— Rachel Dratch

I don't stalk. I just update myself on what's going on in people's lives.

— Anonymous

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you…

— Garrison Keillor

I just watched a ton of comedy and saw a ton of different styles, and eventually you think, 'Oh, yeah, I could…

— John Mulaney

“I'm English. We're about as tactful as a hot poker up the bum, most of the time.”

— L.H. Thomson

With comedies, often shorter is better. You don't want to outstay your welcome.

— Christopher Miller

Having a sense of humor has served me more than it has hurt me - just in the sense that it has…

— Dee Dee Myers

The secret of writing comedy is to know where it's all going, then get ahead of it.

— Robert Orben

I don't like grouper fish. Well, they're okay. They hang around star fish. Because they're grouper fish.

— Mitch Hedberg

I think the whole concept that women aren't funny is dead. It's over; it's done.

— Kate Flannery

Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?

— Michael De Leon

Inside me theres a thin person struggling to get out, but I can usually sedate him with four or five cupcakes

— Bob Thaves