Humor Quotes · Page 303

I have always found humor in places where humor wasn't necessarily intended.

— Silas Weir Mitchell

“There is a difference between being mad and being surrounded by retards.”

— Blanco

I love it when my justifications for avoiding housework are actually legitimate.

— Julie Kenner

I just love that part of comedy, where you see somebody's jokes develop. They try something new to see what works, and…

— Maria Bamford

“You can't trust just any old person who comes along with a hundred puffins and a pretty face!”

— Catherynne M. Valente

I think you really have to tap into your sense of humor in order to survive.

— Taylor Swift

Well, I hope before Glenn goes, he'll come up here so we can give him a big hug and a kiss, because…

— Jerry Coleman

“If you talk about someone behind their back, doesn't that mean you are in front of them?”

— Jordan Smith

“Under the section heading “Experiments with Human Subjects” – a heading that, were I a doctor previously employed by Nazi Germany, I…

— Mary Roach

“Mrs. Musgrove was of a comfortable substantial size, infinitely more fitted by nature to express good cheer and good humor, than tenderness…

— Jane Austen

“...You have a problem, de Winter?" The words left her mouth before her brain filtered them. "Yes, it’s blond, green-eyed, and thinks…

— Alex Lidell

Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the…

— Steven Wright

I remember just sitting down one day and going, 'I should have friends.' And then I developed a sense of humour. By…

— Rebel Wilson

I really loved Andy Kaufman growing up, like every comedy person does. I like when sometimes the audience isn't quite sure what's…

— Mike O'Brien

To me, those three are the revolutionaries. Richard Pryor was honest, raw. George Carlin was brilliant. He was also deep, fearless. And…

— Jim Breuer

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: "I was…

— Denis Leary

“The bride will keep her name and, after considerable negotiation, the groom will, too.”

— Meg Waite Clayton

I have issues with food and weight and I can make that funny. The audience loves it. I have fun with it.

— John Pinette

“Lebanon is the only country where media kills more than bombs, injures more than guns...and at last they say freedom of speech...”

— Hussein S. Hariri

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

— Steven Wright

Comedy is good at analysing and dealing with evil because it doesn't present it as evil but a collection of banalities.

— David Farr

“I could spend the rest of my life writing and drawing books for kids and be a very happy man.”

— Daniel Sean Kaye

Skeptic that I was as an adolescent, I had recently come to believe in a Supreme Being after thumbing through a Victoria's…

— Woody Allen

“You look like a cat beat your ass as comeuppance for everything dogs have done to them.”

— Shawntelle Madison

“I feel that the characters in my book, if they were real, would be like, "Seriously, another plot twist?”

— Kaya Carvajal

“All I know is that when I whisper to dirt, my conversations are less than meaningful.”

— Maggie Stiefvater

I've always felt, and I think I've been pigeonholed by the media, as being a very separate voice to the rest of…

— Omid Djalili

“Henry Jones: I didn't know you could fly a plane! Indiana Jones: Fly -- yes, land -- no.”

— Rob MacGregor

“I had a dream about you last night.. you were trying to give coordinates to an apple”

— Nicole McKay

You can handle anything if you think you can. Just keep your cool and your sense of humor.

— Smiley Blanton

“In some cases, you can tell how somebody is being treated by their own boss from the way they are treating someone…

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no body to go with.

— Anonymous

“Never postpone until tomorrow what you can postpone until the day after.”

— Raoul Wallenberg

“Serena had to cross her legs: in moments of dire amusement her bladder tended to play tricks.”

— A.P

I don't understand why there is such a trend now for comedy to be cruel. Once you're cruel, you're not a comedian…

— Omid Djalili

I'd love to get into some comedy, but people keep saying, 'You're not funny!' And I say, 'Well, fair enough.' I have…

— Ciaran Hinds

I'm gradually working through my obsessions, and maybe, when they're all free and clear, I'll write a comedy. But I'm not there…

— Alice Sebold

Basically, I think you need two things to get by in this world: a sense of humor and the ability to laugh…

— Arlo Guthrie

Men live by intervals of reason under the sovereignty of humor and passion.

— Thomas Browne

Most people get excited over new cars; I get excited over death certificates. It's no wonder my husband worries about my state…

— Rett MacPherson