Humor Quotes · Page 292

“I don’t understand why some people would even try to categorize you. After watching “Duck Dynasty”, who would have thunk?”

— Shannon L. Alder

You can't always control who walks into your life but you can control which window to throw them out.

— Anonymous

“Between the whiskers scraggling down his neck and the now-crooked glasses, he could have been the Black Allen Ginsberg.”

— Garth Risk Hallberg

“Next Mrs. Crupp said it was clear she couldn't be in two places at once (which I felt to be reasonable). . .”

— Charles Dickens

I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it

— Jimmy Carr

The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; there is no humor in Heaven.

— Mark Twain

Doing comedy and romance is easy, if I compare it with playing the role of a real-life person.

— Ammy Virk

“when you fall; it's not the ending; It's the next chance to perform better than the last one”

— Harishankar Kaushik

“When I was laying there in his arms nothing else mattered. My parents, my lack of funds, everything just seemed to melt…

— Magan Vernon

Whenever you're talking about using humor in politics or in a policy speech or in a serious moment, you're talking about using…

— Jon Lovett

Wit, after all, is a mighty tart, pungent ingredient, and much too acid for some stomachs; but honest good humor is the…

— Washington Irving

“Uh oh, maybe I’m hysterical. No, the look on his face had been so funny. Did he really think to kiss me…

— Tamara Hoffa

“A hippogriff flew past, trailing laughter. It came so close to Will that he could smell its scent, a pungent mixture of…

— Michael Swanwick

“Although I like a good scary movie, I’ve never actually believed anything paranormal or supernatural could be real...until today. Magic genies, witch…

— Jen Naumann

I'm grateful for laughter of any kind, but it can be off-putting if one person is laughing at a different time or…

— Gyles Brandreth

“What about the whiskey?" Jack said as they ran. "Won't it keep them out?" The Green Maidens don't drink anything but blood."…

— Lesley Livingston

Either you have a sense of humor about [being a former child star], or you're in rehab. There's not a lot of…

— Wil Wheaton

Some say that laughter is the best medicine, Obviously they have yet to try medicine.

— Anonymous

“I am not worthy." he said softly. "Damn fucking straight," someone growled.”

— J.R. Ward

“Yesterday Allison bought me nail polish in the annoying shade of mauve. How can anyone look at me and think mauve?”

— Katie McGarry

A kitten is the delight of a household. All day long, comedy is played by an incomparable actor.

— Champfleury

Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they aren't out to get you.

— Anonymous

“I feel like I've been ironing all day in high heels and no brassiere. ~Tizzy Donovan, Laid Out and Candle Lit”

— Ann Everett

I'll call it a smart phone the day I yell, Wheres my freaking phone?! and it answers, Im here! Under your jacket!

— Azgraybebly Joslan

People don't come to a comedy club simply to hear someone's thoughts, no matter how profound.

— Ted Alexandro

“We are not in a foul humor, Belkin. We are in a corrupt-tempered moon. There is a difference, you know.”

— Rachel Heffington

I'm too far to the left for some, too far to the right for others. I'm my own brand of comedy.

— Ralphie May

“It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the blame”

— Josh Stern

I'm not a comedian. I don't make things funny if they're not funny. I don't invent funny stuff.

— Morgan Freeman

A lot of celebrities have a sense of humor, and combined with an outrageous event, sometimes the sky's the limit!

— Chris March

“Don't take candy from strangers. The people you know are strange enough.”

— Kim Faulkner

You can't get all of your news from Jon Stewart, especially since it's a comedy show.

— Joe Klein

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

— Craig Ferguson

We call ourselves comedy writer-performers, and that encompasses everything, and I certainly have a very open mind about it.

— Robert Webb

“Are you really speechless or has the vodka finally impaired your ability to function like a normal human?”

— Heidi McLaughlin

“Some people say, "I only want to do God's work." How do you know what God's work is??”

— Art Hochberg

“Next morning while imbibing his morning tea beneath his pink silken quilt Bernard decided he must marry Ethel with no more delay.”

— Daisy Ashford

“THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.”

— George Carlin

My wife, my daughters, even my grandchildren are funny. You've got to keep a sense of humor because anger destroys you.

— Michael Caine

April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four..

— Mark Twain