Humor Quotes · Page 290

“All this for two bad lines he could’ve gotten out of a fortune cookie?”

— Zoe Forward

“If ever there was something she needed to stick around and fight for, Luc was that something.”

— Rachel Gibson

“I wonder if a fish's One and only wish is That other fish will never say, "This fish is sure delicious!”

— Brian Rock

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an…

— Tommy Cooper

The edge of inappropriate is the spiritual home of the best stand-up comedy.

— Frank Skinner

I usually balance out autobiography with goofy, amusing stuff to help keep the humour in my more serious work.

— Jeffrey Brown

“Being bigheaded can be as irritating and as dangerous as being small-minded.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Ayo and I started performing together and have done comedy shows in some of the wettest, stinkiest basements of all time.

— Rachel Sennott

“Master Dung’s study was silent. So silent, in fact, that one might have been able to hear a gnat passing air, if…

— Sorin Suciu

“Ash has a huge customized Barbie collection. Aside from Horror Movie Barbie (head lopped halfway off, torn and bloody clothes), Commando Barbie…

— Rachel Cohn

We all are typecast, especially when we get success by doing one thing. Whether you are an action hero, romantic hero or…

— Sunil Grover

“Man, didn't anybody ever tell you that art is propaganda? It doesn't matter whether you think it should be or it shouldn't…

— Paul Beatty

“Zane glanced toward the stairwell, then back to Nick. "How close are you?" he finally blurted out. "I have no frame of…

— Abigail Roux

“Let’s get to our site,” Anne said. “I’m gonna need a nap before the hunt…and lunch.” “Do you wish you would’ve gotten…

— Robin Alexander

“Do not stare directly into his eyes!” she warned, in an accent I couldn’t place. “Why not?” I said, but she was…

— Richard Due

George Carlin is brilliant with words, and Johnny Winters is very creative. It's taking something common and drawing out the humor, being…

— Bill Cosby

“The apple doesn't fall far from the tree…unless that tree's growing on top of a hill.”

— John DePrey

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

— Rodney Dangerfield

I don't see myself as part of an acting fraternity or a comedy fraternity.

— Ricky Gervais

I have always thought of comedy as an important job and medium, and so I put pressure on myself to do the…

— Miranda Hart

A wise man will never tell his wife to keep quiet. He will tell her she looks beautiful with her mouth closed.

— Anonymous

“Don’t make a big deal out of a small deal - and you know everything is s small deal. Nothing is a…

— Art Hochberg

“The romantic is always intelligent, and I only meant to observe that although we have had foolish romantics, they don't count.”

— Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Because I work in comedy, I can't kick back and watch sitcoms as a form of leisure anymore.

— Esther Povitsky

I have to stop crying when I watch "The View". It's not because of the topics at hand, I just feel sorry…

— Zach Galifianakis

I am one boob, you are the other boob and together? We are breast friends.

— Anonymous

The Germans have a wonderful combination of pathos, energy, and humor. They are like Californians with an education.

— Joan Juliet Buck

“His [Lord Peter's] long, amiable face looked as if it had generated spontaneously from his top hat, as white maggots breed from…

— Dorothy L. Sayers

“The catch about not looking a gift horse in the mouth is that it may be a Trojan horse.”

— David Seller

Comedy, I imagine, is harder to do consistently than tragedy, but I like it spiced in the wine of sadness.

— Bernard Malamud

People: I love it when my boyfriend tells me how much he loves me. Me: I love it when my microwave tells…

— Varsha Sharma

“I was thinking..." "We know," Pedro said, "It was like sitting next to a pressure cooker”

— Davis Bunn

Sex is pretty funny, let's face it. And the more seriously we take ourselves, the funnier sex gets, I think.

— Betty White

If the security personnel do their job properly, they just might cause you to miss your plane, thereby possibly saving your life.

— Dave Barry

“Who made you eat bitch for lunch? Who poured you a tall bitch beer float? Who sprinkled bacon bitch on your salad?”

— A. S. King

My portrayal of Fagin was all to do with my experience in comedy and revue.

— Ron Moody

“twenty-three hours of nonstop traveling over two continents and countless time zones, her sense of humor”

— Leeanna Morgan

“Spreading laughter is healthy and more fun than sex. Well... unless you do them at the same time.”

— Michael Clutton

“If God could make a carpenter into a Savior, a slave trader into a reverend, why not an opium addict into an…

— Michelle Griep

I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would've taken all my tests at a restaurant, 'cause 'The customer is…

— Mitch Hedberg