Humor Quotes · Page 289

Comedy illuminates. And it unifies people, it's not as polarizing as shows with specific political agendas.

— Randy Rainbow

Trying to demonstrate good leadership was not our raison d'etre. We're still just trying to make a comedy.

— Brendan Hunt

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

— Felipe Esparza

“My daughter asked if the boogie man was scary. I said, "Not as scary as the boogie woman.”

— Randy Kagan

If I'm not on tour, I can run down to the comedy club and do a little stand-up. If you're an actor,…

— Louis C. K

“Me and Katy look adorkable in extraterrestrial highway shirts. You would just look stupid. You can thank me later.”

— Jennifer L. Armentrout

Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again.

— Mike Myers

The women doing comedy do not even think of themselves as 'female' comedians.

— Jen Kirkman

You know, it wasn't even that I'm a funny guy, I just loved stand-up comedy and I wanted to do it. It…

— Bill Burr

“Well, anyway, we walked around for a while, looking at the animals, and suddenly he asked me to marry him outside the…

— P. G. Wodehouse

“I need a drink. Now.” After tossing—fine, throwing—my purse and keys on the couch, I march straight into the kitchen. No more…

— Lilly Avalon

“Alone-sex didn't count. It's like the difference between thinking to yourself or having a good conversation with someone----the pleasure is in the…

— Lisa Kleypas

I did auditions at a club called the Comedy Connection. They wanted nothing to do with me. But one night they were…

— Paula Poundstone

“Excuse me? Tonight you represent every dateless woman in this city, every woman who's about to sit down to a lonely meal…

— Nora Roberts

“What's all the row over at Ben's?" [Mrs. Ide] inquired, placidly, from her comfortable chair. "Rustlers, cattle, foremen, sheriffs, and Heaven only…

— Zane Grey

“You were in the trunk while they —” This time, Gentry closed his eyes. “Please. I’m going to have flashbacks. I don’t…

— Tovaley B. Kysel

“Whenever I do write a quote, People say, What a nice thought! And I say It's not only a thought, It's a…

— Rajendra Singh Solanki

“Being a Falconer is about saving the buggers even if they don't deserve it." - Farlan MacNeil”

— Edwin McRae

A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry: but money answereth all things.

— Bible

“Try any way but you are not going to be happy unless you became my friend.”

— Rahul Bodkhe

The beauty of comedy is, when people come to a comedy club, there is a certain veil of reality suspended.

— Carlos Mencia

A comedy club is a place where you work out material, you're trying material.

— Chris Rock

“The prettier the wine bottle, the higher the likelihood sorority girls will buy it.”

— Lauren Leto

The humor section is the last place an author wants to be. They put your stuff next to collections of Cathy cartoons.

— David Sedaris

My father tried to give me the sex talk once, and he chickened out. He walked into my room and went, 'Adam…

— Adam Ferrara

“Disrespectful! My grandmothers are both dead." "Well, Jesus. What did they die of?" "Mom always said 'meddling'.”

— Maggie Stiefvater

“No," Marcus says. "Yes, take it." "Don't want it." "Why so difficult, Marc?" "Who's Marc?" "You are." "Yeah? 'Sup, Gid?”

— Veronica Rossi

Laughter or crying is what a human being does when there's nothing else he can do.

— Kurt Vonnegut

“Not only is he mentally challenged, all he has is a couple of scary fangs and absolutely no idea what kind of…

— Jayde Scott

I'll go back to comedy clubs when they get a real no-camera policy, the same way they did with smoking.

— Chris Rock

“I read the Cannibal Manifesto. The part where it says they like eating people is on page 289.”

— John Alejandro King aka The Covert Comic

[ I'm] humorist, I guess. Or really more of a reporter. A reporter who reports on funny things.

— P. J. O'Rourke

“I sheathed my blade and glared at him. "And here I almost thought you weren't a complete bastard." "Well, that's your mistake,…

— Julie Kagawa

“If the girl of my dreams want a man with a hairless chest, I better dream of another girl”

— Haresh Daswani

It's always comedy first on 'Will and Grace.' There was never any other agenda.

— Sean Hayes

“Oh my God! You little slut! You want to have a good date with him and want to have ten thousand of…

— J. Sterling

I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone. Rod Schmidt

— Rod Schmidt

“I had a dream about you last night... you made a beard for yourself out of forty two bags of Twizzlers.”

— Nicole McKay

“The dining hall in our section of campus was like something out of an Ayn Rand novel: big, utilitarian, and impersonal.”

— Kirstie Collins Brote

The Reformer is always right about what's wrong. However, he's often wrong about what is right.

— Anonymous