Humor Quotes · Page 287

“Women have no appreciation of good looks—at least, good women have not.”

— Oscar Wilde

I love everybody...!!! Some I love to be around, some I love 2 avoid, and others I love to punch in the face…

— Anonymous

“Wearing a condom is like eating an icecream cone with a sock on your tongue.”

— Mark Gungor

Growing up, a film was an action film or it was a comedy or it was romantic, but you don't really see…

— Beck

I have a head for business and a body for sin. Unfortunately, the sin appears to be gluttony.

— Jenny Colgan

A real cop fights real crime. A vice cop's only job is to ruin the party.

— Doug Stanhope

“You can't rely on love. Love will let you down every time. Every. Single. Time.”

— Barry Lyga

The fact that he relies on facts - says things that are not factual - are going to undermine his campaign.

— George W. Bush

“I’m starting to think Mordecai bound you to someone’s grandmother instead of the earth, because that’s what you’re starting to sound like!”…

— Michael G. Manning

“He's got this thing about Canada. He says it's like America only with health care and no guns, and you can live…

— Ruth Ozeki

“Groundhog found fog. New snows and blue toes. Fine and dandy for Valentine candy. Snow spittin'; if you're not mitten-smitten, you'll be…

— Anonymous

“Hans: [Y]ou can't conceive what a great fellow I'm going to be. The seed of immortality has sprouted within me. Deronda: Only…

— George Eliot

“That aunt of mine; boy, she used to wear make-up all week long so terrible thick that - well, she started about…

— Ken Kesey

“Kelly looked at the cop, then sighed. “What a cluster. I take it you haven’t been killing young women and leaving their…

— Patricia Briggs

I always tried not to be too mean, but my problem is that the people I tend to find hilarious don't usually…

— Ana Gasteyer

“The girl slid into the back seat of the town car, tugging at the hem of her dress like she was afraid…

— John McNee

“When am I going to learn to stop questioning authority and just eat the Soylent Green?”

— Red Tash

From New Year's on the outlook brightens; good humor lost in a mood of failure returns. I resolve to stop complaining.

— Leonard Bernstein

Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

— Anonymous

Honestly, one-hour drama is the hardest format there is. I think it's harder than movies, and it's harder than half-hour comedy.

— Alexis Denisof

“I didn't fail the test. I just found 100 different ways to do it wrong.”

— Benjamin Franklin

“Have you noticed how Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen look nothing alike, and yet they both manage to look exactly like their…

— Ken O'Neill

“If it’s always a feeling of just not being good enough – well you gotta let that one go – big time!”

— Art Hochberg

“I'm going to go throw up now, because ive turned into my dad. If vomiting doesn't work, I'll see if I can…

— Veronica Blade

“I really hate it when people want to kill me. It makes me think they don't want to be friends. - Raven…

— R.J. Dennis

“So that means that Peter..." I swallowed. "That his full name was Peter Parker." "Yeah" I burst into tears. "Oh, my God!…

— Michelle Rowen

“I was just thinking that he might be willing. It’s not like he needs his semen.”

— Buffy Andrews

Unless you're Jack Lemmon or Cary Grant, there are few guys who can do comedy and drama.

— Steve Guttenberg

“Plus, we are waiting until we can drink legally before we add in another.”

— Toni Aleo

If you don't like the people, you're just doing a sketch. Which, in most cases, is comedy minus some emotional backbone.

— Christopher Guest

'Monk' planted the seed that a procedural could have character and be quirky and have comedy.

— James Roday

If you ever get caught sleeping on the job...slowly raise your head and say 'In Jesus name, amen.'

— Anonymous

You know, the comedic and horror thing was the key to 'Zombieland,' which is a comedy first.

— Ruben Fleischer

“He had a matching bandage on his head. We looked like two idiots who’d decided to have a head-butting competition”

— Kim Harrington

“One is forced to examine one's life when trapped in the wall by a Murphy bed.”

— Cheryl McKay

Someone told me to give my ex directions but I told them that DOGS can always find there way home.

— Stephanie

“Lots of people in history have only done their jobs and look at the trouble they caused”

— Terry Pratchett Neil Gaiman

“It is not summer, England doesn't have summer, it has continuous autumn with a fortnight's variation here and there.”

— Natasha Pulley

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

— Steven Wright

I love comedy. I like to think that there's a sense of humor in some of my music - obviously not all…

— Kate Bush