Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition. — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
“Some of the people we feel sorry for feel sorry for us for thinking that they are the ones who should be… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
“I hadn't known my dad could get so competitive over an auction. It was probably a good thing he hadn't yet discovered… — Piper Banks Copy Share Image
I love John Irving's stuff. It's that marriage of comedy and tragedy. It's really terrific. — Jeff Bridges Copy Share Image
“Is it worth the effort to tell an idiot that they are profoundly stupid? Or is it just good fun to see… — Neil Leckman Copy Share Image
“The interior of the arms dealer's private jet was so ugly it hurt my feelings as well as my eyeballs.” — Terry Hayes Copy Share Image
The sign on the bar said: 'girls- topless, bottomless', I went inside and there was nobody there! — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
“You want sensitive and understanding, stick with the therapist.You want great, headbanging sex, get off the fucking phone and come with me.” — Jennifer Crusie Copy Share Image
Dad was much more critical. I did a comedy in Windsor and he came round afterwards with a load of paperwork and… — Finty Williams Copy Share Image
I started doing comedy with no plan to do voice work. Voice work came as a function of doing comedy and meeting… — H. Jon Benjamin Copy Share Image
“So they rolled up their sleeves and sat down to experiment -- by simulation, that is mathematically and all on paper. And… — Stanisław Lem Copy Share Image
“She's Magnificent," Darius said, smiling proudly as he vaulted the steps and followed Aphrodite. "I can think of a lot of m… — P.C. Cast Copy Share Image
“I believe you to be Filidor Vesh," said the dwarf. "You are entitled to your beliefs, however ill-founded," Filidor replied. "No doubt… — Matthew Hughes Copy Share Image
“Joy said she hadn't really understood the meaning of life until Tyffanie had come along, but now she understood it perfectly. Well,… — Wally Lamb Copy Share Image
“Ye know, doan't ye, what it feels like when ye burn yer hand in takin' a cake out of the oven or… — Stella Gibbons Copy Share Image
“Colonel Cargill was so awful a marketing executive that his services were much sought after by firms eager to establish losses for… — Joseph Heller Copy Share Image
You want comedic themes to be recogniseable life truths that we all battle with, and with that comes the healing properties of… — Miranda Hart Copy Share Image
“We both want you dead. I'm bringing the friendship bracelets to the next meeting.” — Nenia Campbell Copy Share Image
Are all of Taylor Swifts songs about the same guy, or is she just a whore? — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“He's getting older," Charles said darkly. "Shall I hit him with my walker or my oxygen tank?” — Suzanne Brockmann Copy Share Image
“A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.” — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
Its not my job to shove enlightenment up people's asses, but some days I get stuck volunteering to do it. — Rock Cowles Copy Share Image
I think if there is a God, it's very important that he has a sense of humour - otherwise, you are in… — Rory Bremner Copy Share Image
Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent. — Daniel Tosh Copy Share Image
“She steeled her spine. “Like Boleyn to the chopping block.” Anna smirked. “Queen of England, are we?” Mara shrugged. “Something to aspire… — Sarah MacLean Copy Share Image
People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, I was an accountant. — Ellen DeGeneres Copy Share Image
Anger and humour are like the left and right arm. They complement each other. — James H. Cone Copy Share Image
If your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan, you might be a redneck. — Jeff Foxworthy Copy Share Image
“He’s lost it. Our son is insane. Or on drugs. Or maybe not on enough drugs.” — Ransom Riggs Copy Share Image
My stories are very somber, so I think I need the comic ingredient. Besides, life has so much humor. — Manuel Puig Copy Share Image
That is one of the reasons why a man should pick a path with heart, so that he can find his laughter. — Sheldon B. Kopp Copy Share Image
“Dude, your girlfriend is so far past high maintenance even the janitor quit.” — Samantha Young Copy Share Image
I think it's natural if you're doing a lot of comedy to do a lot of drama, because you have to figure… — Judy Greer Copy Share Image
Humor springs from rage, hay fever, overdue rent and miscellaneous hell. — Will Cuppy Copy Share Image
I thought there would be a lot of , you know, transferable skills, from acting and comedy, but there weren't that many! — Rachel Parris Copy Share Image
“I'll go," he said. "And that's safer because?" "I'm a guy." "Right, and having a pair of dingle balls makes you invincible… — Gemma Halliday Copy Share Image
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions. — Melchor Lim Copy Share Image
I think I used comedy as a mechanism: if I could make the other kids laugh, I wouldn't get beaten up or… — Paul Rudd Copy Share Image
“Starke, release me or I’ll kick you in the balls.” And that would hurt, given the current rock-hard state of that area.” — Keri Arthur Copy Share Image
Making adults laugh when you are a kid means everything. My mom and her friends gave me a plenty of positive feedback. — E. R. Fightmaster Copy Share Image
