Humor Quotes · Page 273

I have a great pic of my father and Rev. Graham laughing hysterically at some joke with George Pratt Shultz looking on…

— Ben Stein

If you want to be an actor, you need to learn how to act first, even in sketch comedy.

— Nicole Sullivan

“[He] had insisted that inanimate objects couldn't have malignant motivations, but Emma had extensive proof to the contrary.”

— Lauren Willig

I'll accept bad taste in a minute, as long as there's some great comedy minds and performances.

— Mel Brooks

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I was handsome I would have exactly one dollar...Thanks mom!!!!

— Kevin McCarty

“I'll meet you outside," I said. No way was I actually doing to shout 'I have to pee' at the top of…

— Stella Lennon

“I should get points for not saying every dumb thing that pops in my head.”

— Susan Bischoff

“And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.”

— Khalil Gibran

I think I always wanna write comedy because that's what feels truest to me; it feels closest to life as I know…

— Owen King

Comedy is a reflection. We create nothing. We set no styles, no standards. We're reflections. It's a distorted mirror in the fun…

— Alan King

“Susie: Hi Calvin! Aren't you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having…

— Bill Watterson

“Christy said. "It's just weird, your seeing him like that. What are you going to do?" "Nothing. What can I do?" "Maybe…

— Robin Jones Gunn

“I thought privately to myself that with so many omens and prophecies to warn them off, heroes were really awfully stupid to…

— Moira Katson

“After an hour of gliding though the crowd and two glasses of tepid wine later, Penelope had reached the spiritual state of…

— Anya Wylde

I find painting a much slower process than comedy, where you can go a mile a minute verbally and hope to God…

— Jonathan Winters

“That's just like you, man... But wait, you're keeping a bunch of old plastic bags around? Aren't you getting a little too…

— Saekisan

To all the girls out there who think being funny is not sexy, you are wrong!

— Chad Michael Murray

There is almost no topic that can't benefit from being talked about in a humorous way.

— Rachel Parris

I got to the stage where I physically couldn't carry on unless I gave comedy a go: it was necessity.

— Greg Davies

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

— Douglas Adams

I used to play Another One Bites The Dust after every conquest. But I'm old now so I'm changing it to Another…

— Rudy Espinoza

When you lose your sense of humor, get a job running an elevator, because your life will be a series of Ups…

— Napoleon Hill

“Nothing creates a bond between people in Africa more quickly than shaed laughter".”

— Ryszard Kapuściński

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

— Henny Youngman

I love comedy. If I could be a comedian - well, I probably would not take that job because it seems really…

— Taylor Momsen

“Hi! I'm Ethan, I shop at Ikea. I bought a $300 dining suite and it took me three days to assemble!”

— Douglas Coupland

“At St. Bernardine’s the nuns never liked me. Especially Sister Mary Bitch-and-a-Half. I think that was her biblical name.”

— Kathy Griffin

So I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

— Tim Vine

Comedy is very strange to me and I don't fully understand it's purpose or function.

— Bo Burnham

I always wanted to know how long 'forever' was and by looking at some people's relationships, it's around 3 to 4 weeks.

— Anonymous

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

— Rodney Dangerfield

Humor in a relationship is so important. Many women will say that. Some say, 'If they can make you laugh, it's the…

— Helen Mirren

“I am a good housekeeper. You can eat off my kitchen floor. Just scoop all the crumbs together and you've got quite…

— Janene Murphy

“If the weight comes from bacon you can so deduct it off the scale total to get your true weight. #science”

— Michelle M. Pillow

“The joke is generally in the oddest way the truth and yet not the fact.”

— G.K. Chesterton

“Comedians love people to point and laugh at them, even if they are not funny, naturists don't, no matter how funny they…

— Roy Station

“Just as true humour is laughter at oneself, true humanity is knowledge of oneself.”

— Alan Wilson Watts

You gotta make your own fun. That's right, listen to that mother of two, she knows what I'm talking about.

— Dave Attell

“I'm some sort of guinea pig in a home economics crash course for werewolves.”

— Kat Kruger

Adding 'and shit' to the end of any sentence makes it sound cooler and shit…

— Anonymous