Humor Quotes · Page 226

If olive oil comes from olives, then where does baby oil come from?

— Jane Wagner

“All this sexual tension is making me sweat.”

— T.J. Robinson

Well, I think that there's a value to comedy in and of itself.

— Al Franken

“It's very hard not to commit cancer suicide in America.”

— Jonathan Ames

Time flies when you're masturbating.

— Anonymous

As long as I have laughter, I am not without hope

— Dean Koontz

“Arab' is the new four-letter word, didn't you know?”

— Anissa Rafeh

“When I envied a man's spurs then they were indeed worth coveting.”

— Zane Grey

“Germs contagious, contagious alert! But Edwart and Purell are stronger than dirt!”

— Harvard Lampoon

“No matter how old you are when a kid shoots you with a toy gun it is necessary that you pretend to…

— Joshua Siranjofu

“Dogs aren’t just for Christmas; you could probably get hold of a cat for a few weeks too.”

— Daily Florence

“I had the best image of several dragons sitting on a couch crying into a microphone...”

— Adrienne Kress

Sin endeavors to subject the blessed God to the humor and lust of every person in the world

— Stephen Charnock

Comedy has been crossing the country with remarkable speed way before the Internet, social media, even cable TV.

— Chris Bliss

Remember passing notes? Having it read in the front of the classroom was the worst.

— Raghib Clitso

You should never underestimate the power of your girlfriend. She has the ability to make anything your fault.

— Anonymous

“They all went out by a private door and found themselves in a smaller but gorgous room. The Prince tapped on the…

— Daisy Ashford

“Scientists used to do an experiment whereby a dog’s repeated reward for performing a task was unaccountably replaced by punishment. The dog,…

— Steve Aylett

There's so much light in Broughty Ferry. I think the humour in Glasgow is darker, because it's much more gloomy, there's a…

— Brian Cox

When you do find humor in trying times, one of the first and most important changes you experience is that you see…

— Allen Klein

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is…

— Jim Gaffigan

There are people who like just ordinary comedy fun, and making mistakes - which I do easily - and then there are…

— Norman Wisdom

“In a sense we have to keep sweeping out the trash. It all has to go. Your whole history – it has…

— Art Hochberg

Comedy and drama are less ageist media for women than stuff like light entertainment. But in TV or film, women have to…

— Sharon Horgan

The most wasted day, are the ones without any laughter.

— Anonymous

“If you say the words love at first sight I'm taking your man card.”

— Melissa Hale

“The marks we leave are too often scars.”

— John Green

One good thing about being locked in a cage: No responsibility!

— Kristen Schaal

And an anteater plus a large hungry mutant ant? an ironic way to die.

— Bo Burnham

Sometimes the best cure for life’s woes is a sense of humor.

— Frank K. Sonnenberg

“There's gotta be a way out of this dungeon."- G. Gygax”

— Robert Lynn Asprin

Don't play hard to get when your face is already hard to want.

— Anonymous

He was born with a gift of laughter and a sense that the world was mad.

— Rafael Sabatini

“But really . . . I’m about as useful as the G in lasagna.”

— Sherillyn Kenyon

You can send a lot of instruction through laughter.

— Jeffrey Tambor

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

— Steven Wright

The weatherman is always right. It's just his timing that's off.

— Bill Cosby

She was old too, when she went to school they didn't have history.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Free speech isn't dead in Germany and Italy, merely the speakers...

— Bob Hope

“Everyone should be comfy during the apocalypse.”

— J. Cornell Michel