If you are an adult, and you are planning to dress up on Halloween... don't. I will find you. I will hurt… — Lewis Black Copy Share Image
“To die famous is the goal of the immortal. To die young is the goal of the healthy. To die memorably is… — Bauvard Copy Share Image
I've done comedy most of my career, which I love, but I wanted to expand. — Katey Sagal Copy Share Image
I was able to read poets that were - allowed me to be humorous without being silly. — Billy Collins Copy Share Image
I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I didn't know. — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
“... my heart skips a beat. Seriously, like a CD from the public library, it goes ZZebbTTT and skips.” — Brent Crawford Copy Share Image
If anything had happened to Bob, I wouldn't have carried on. Me and Bob are a comedy unit. — Vic Reeves Copy Share Image
God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
“W turned on his heel and began walking toward the door at the far wall. And by walking I mean, of course,… — John Zakour Copy Share Image
“In WASP families, if you don't get along with someone, you have as little to do with them as possible. In Jewish… — Doreen Orion Copy Share Image
When you're not involved, other people's unhappiness seems to be about the funniest damn thing on earth because you think you can… — Barry Hannah Copy Share Image
I was that weird kid that checked out all of the non-fiction paranormal studies books from the library. I've always been fascinated… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a… — Rodney Dangerfield Copy Share Image
A crime persevered in a thousand centuries ceases to be a crime, and becomes a virtue. This is the law of custom,… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
That's what's great about standup comedy: the instant feedback. You get up on stage, you tell a joke, if it doesn't work,… — Jimmy O. Yang Copy Share Image
“I smiled, trying to look harmless. “Don't do that. You'll freak everyone out,” he ordered. I dropped my smile. “Now you look… — Patricia Lynne Copy Share Image
Sarcasm is the lowest form of humor but the highest form of flattery. — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
“flies can't help eatin' shit cause that's where their tastes lead 'em” — E.D. Lynnellen Copy Share Image
“I’ve been living on the edge for so long, my friends call me Cliff” — Benny Bellamacina Copy Share Image
“Don't let your mouth write a check that your ass can't cash, son.” — Charles Portis Copy Share Image
“Just because he's a spider doesn't mean he deserves any less concern!” — Rachel Caine Copy Share Image
“I have followed my penis into hell and returned with the story.” — Christopher Moore Copy Share Image
We're living on the Planet of the Apes. Is that funny or serious? — Robert Anton Wilson Copy Share Image
