Humor Quotes by Anonymous · Page 21

It's funny cause, you think you're the shit. You're not. You're shit.

— Anonymous

Cat's don't expect birthday presents, they think they already own everything.

— Anonymous

Saying something funny and then someone says it louder and gets all the credit.

— Anonymous

“Hey, do you mind not squeezing my head off. I remember how powerful those thighs are.”

— Anonymous

Falling in love should be covered by insurance or at least Life alert.

— Anonymous

On a scale of one to Lord of the Rings, how much did you walk today?

— Anonymous

That awkward moment when you remember something funny, and can't stop smiling like an idiot.

— Anonymous

Once you're caught in the mousetrap, why not eat the cheese?

— Anonymous

A baby's laughter is the most BEAUTIFUL sounds in the world.. Unless its 3AM, your home alone, and you don't have a…

— Anonymous

A sense of humor always withers in the presence of the messianic delusion, like justice and the truth in front of patriotic…

— Anonymous

That awkward moment when you're actually telling the truth, but you're laughing so everyone thinks you're lying.

— Anonymous

Sorry no one understood you were making an April Fool's joke because no one thinks you have a sense of humor.

— Anonymous

I have no problem texting while driving, but I won't text while going down stairs. That shits dangerous.

— Anonymous

When love feels like magic, it's called destiny. When destiny has a sense of humor, it's called serendipity.

— Anonymous

To live above with the saints we love, oh that will be glory... to live below with the saints we know well,…

— Anonymous

Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the…

— Anonymous

We can find gentle humor in the most terrible circumstances and tenderness in the darkness.

— Anonymous

There is nothing worse than when someone's obnoxious laughter ruins a good movie.

— Anonymous

“It is better to have money and not to need it, than to need it and not to have it.”

— Anonymous

The eyes are windows to a man's soul. If you look into them and you can't see a thing, run like hell.

— Anonymous

'Fuck that.' is really a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word 'NO.'

— Anonymous

“Only a keen sense of public duty restrains me from plugging you where you sit, you ineffable swine.”

— Anonymous

“It's important to think. It's what separates us from lentils. (The Fisher King)”

— Anonymous

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

— Anonymous

Remember, if we happen to get caught, you are deaf and I don't speak English.

— Anonymous

Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

— Anonymous

Instead of cleaning my house, I just watched an episode of Hoarders. Now I don't feel so bad.

— Anonymous

Whenever faced with a difficult situation,try and find some humor in it.

— Anonymous

I can't wait to tell my kids I was born before the internet.

— Anonymous

Dont be afraid to go out on a limb. That is where the fruit is.

— Anonymous

Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.

— Anonymous

The harder you try to be funny, the less funny you will be.

— Anonymous

Writing about your disappointments and your life is for your diary not Facebook.

— Anonymous

“They grin at each other lovingly and my insides curl up and die.”

— Anonymous

204 countries, 809 islands, 7 seas and yet I can't find a decent relationship.

— Anonymous

Some ladies who play hard to get will eventually pray hard to get a husband.

— Anonymous

Funny how we prioritize people and they put us on their waiting list.

— Anonymous

You call them swear words, I call them sentence enchanters.

— Anonymous

All I really need is love, but a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt!

— Anonymous

I'd jump in front of a bus for you...As long as its not moving.

— Anonymous