“I think it's something like Mr. Peter Sloane and the octogenarians. The other evening Mrs. Sloane was reading a newspaper ans she… — L. M. Montgomery Copy Share Image
The professorial dictum has always been to write what you know, but I say write what you don't know and find something… — T.C. Boyle Copy Share Image
My favorite classic novel may be 'The Invisible Man.' It's smart and genuinely funny. Otherwise, my favorite character is probably Frankenstein's Monster/Frankenstein… — Adam Rex Copy Share Image
“SHUT UP," Carot Top say, the cocane now taking effect. "This isnt Poetry 101. People want to laugh. Your suposed to be… — Seinfeld 2000 Copy Share Image
I've gone through several cycles. When I was little, I was the cute kid with missing teeth and funny one-liners. Then I… — Gregory Smith Copy Share Image
When I'm at home creating music, I usually wind up laughing. It's always, like, funny - like, what the hell did I… — Thundercat Copy Share Image
A blow-job is the only job in the world that can't be included in your resume despite years of experience and a… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
When you leave college, there are thousands of people out there with the same degree you have; when you get a job,… — Anna Quindlen Copy Share Image
In bed, its 6am you close your eyes for 5 minutes, its 7:45. At school its 1:30, close your eyes for 5 minutes, its 1:31 — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Jack and Jill went up the hill so Jack could lick her candy. Jack got a shock and a mouthful of cock… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
People tell me I'm a drama queen. I don't get why that's a bad thing. If I'm a queen, don't I get… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“Slayde came out of the kitchen, long brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, T-shirt dusted with flour, coffee in hand. "If… — Sean Michael Copy Share Image
“You can find something funny in anything! I'm sick as a dog and falling to bits, but I'll give up joking only… — Louis-Ferdinand Céline Copy Share Image
How do people look so hot at the beach with their wet hair and their wet bodies and I just look like… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Dear Zayn, hi babe. where do I begin? you're perfect. I love yourlaugh, voice, face, & accent. you think american girls don't… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“I was made to believe that my life was going to be fixed and it wasn't. I'm still the same loser who… — Mike Birbiglia Copy Share Image
“I remember that story. You have read it four times." Samson shrugged. "Why should I stop with the first reading? Nobody says,… — Karen A. Wyle Copy Share Image
What I hate most about myself? My body weight/figure. My friend are all twigs and make me look like an oompa loompa. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward. — George Carlin Copy Share Image
It's really irritating. Even people who like my work sometimes come up to me and say, 'I usually don't like female comedians,… — Chelsea Peretti Copy Share Image
I worked in a call centre for three-and-a-half years. I've tried to find something funny to include in my stand-up but I… — Chris McCausland Copy Share Image
You don't really know what you're going to get until you're actually in Abbey Road. That's where I did all the music,… — Ridley Scott Copy Share Image
It's funny, I get a little quieter with time. I don't want to chase my tail and one day repeat myself and… — Dave Matthews Copy Share Image
People make the world go around but at some point dont you wish it were flat so all the idiots would keep… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
PRAISE, Something which, if directed to your wife, will lighten your marriage -- even if it frightens her at first. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“Could he actually be a decent guy? Hard to imagine. He was pretty to look at, though, she thought. Boys weren't objectified… — Daniel Marks Copy Share Image
My youngest sister does not like tennis at all, and she'll be the first one to tell you that, which I find… — Madison Keys Copy Share Image
I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Boy askd girl: y do u love a rose, Which dies in a day. But Don't love me, Who dies 4 u… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
New Year's is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
Christmas and the New Year are actually two holidays, so there is a plural, which in the English language necessitates the use… — Jon Stewart Copy Share Image
I definitely have a stage persona now that is sort of this confident, delusional performer who is brave enough to tell someone… — Megan Stalter Copy Share Image
Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries… — Bill Bailey Copy Share Image
My parents have always had a great sense of humor. And I really appreciate good humor in songs, witty lyrics that sneak… — Kacey Musgraves Copy Share Image
My dad is and was very funny and had a really dry sense of humor, which, as a kid, seemed un-fun. But… — John Mulaney Copy Share Image
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind… — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
I prefer to avoid the phrase 'strong women' when talking about female characters and the lack thereof or the need therefore, because… — Zawe Ashton Copy Share Image
Animation is very similar to sketch comedy: you have a short amount of time to do something big and ridiculous and funny. — Alex Borstein Copy Share Image
Dentists tell you not to pick your teeth with any sharp metal object. Then you sit in their chair and the first… — Bill Cosby Copy Share Image
“Shergahn and friend lay like poleaxed steers, and the Daranfelian's greasy hair was thick with potatoes, carrots, gravy, and chunks of beef.… — David Weber Copy Share Image
