I love how in scary movies, the person yells out 'hello?'. As if the killer is gonna be like, 'yeah, I'm in… — Skye Holbrook Copy Share Image
Right now you have 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support, and you're scrolling with your thumb. — Amit Verma Copy Share Image
“Move along,” Hines said. “Last room down.” I spotted a fish tank halfway down the aisle. Dug into my pocket. “Hi,” I… — Kathy Reichs Copy Share Image
If I meet you for a date and you do not look anything like your picture, then you are buying me drinks… — Punkinhead Abhishek Copy Share Image
“She's fifteen!" Nash shrugged. "That's just a number. It doesn't say anything about her." "It says something pretty damn funny about your… — Rachel Vincent Copy Share Image
When you're in a train and it breaks down, well, there you is. But when you're in a plane and it breaks… — Amy Hill Hearth Copy Share Image
On the £20,000 Mercedes prizes for each winner at the World Athletics Championships in Stuttgart- Anyone good enough to win already has one. — Michael Johnson Copy Share Image
I'm just a normal mother with the same struggles as any other mother who's trying to do everything at once and trying… — Gwyneth Paltrow Copy Share Image
The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe… — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
Those that have lived longer than us always have something to teach us, that we can take with us for the rest… — Johnny Cash Copy Share Image
How to put on Jeans: 1. Grab belt loops 2. Jump around like a bunny 3. Twerk for a few minutes 4. Lunge left 5. Lunge right. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Uphill? There's nothing up the hill," Colly said, trying desperately to work out where this conversation was going. "As a matter of… — John Flanagan Copy Share Image
The mind is a funny thing in how it works. Sometimes you have to tell yourself what's really true. If you don't,… — Case Keenum Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you last night. We stopped telling each other about our dreams when we realized we were still… — Michael Summers Copy Share Image
“You see, unlike most writers today, I do not use a computer. I write the old-fashioned way: on the walls of caves.” — Cuthbert Soup Copy Share Image
“...Whenever someone says to me, 'Jerry Lewis says women aren't funny,' or 'Christopher Hitchens says women aren't funny,' or 'Rick Fenderman says… — Tina Fey Copy Share Image
The markets are the same now as they were five or ten years ago because they keep changing-just like they did then — Ed Seykota Copy Share Image
I look at a show like 'Roseanne.' That's super influential on me. It's very funny, very real, with real problems. That was… — Jonathan Krisel Copy Share Image
It is strange indeed how as a reader you never question the authenticity of an article being well aware that its passages… — Mohd Aariff Khan Copy Share Image
There were two Irishmen eating sandwiches in a pub and the landlord said: "You can't eat your own food in here." So… — Frank Carson Copy Share Image
“Are we going to be stupid?” she whispered. “Define stupid.” “Anything that involves either one of us exposing our favorite body parts.”… — Jill Shalvis Copy Share Image
So I said, 'Where do you want to go for your anniversary?' She said: 'I want to go somewhere I've never been… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's called "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
Congratulate yourselves if you have done something strange and extravagant and broken the monotony of a decorous age. — Ralph Waldo Emerson Copy Share Image
“Because she left him a MySpace message that was semi-flirty, and then today he was very vague about what he was doing.… — Lauren Barnholdt Copy Share Image
Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They dont know… — Stephen Colbert Copy Share Image
Do you know where you going to? Do you like the things that life is showing you? Where are you going to?… — Diana Ross Copy Share Image
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don't you? 'Damn I got to get the hell… — Dave Attell Copy Share Image
I spilled some vodka on the carpet, and I vacuumed it up, and the vacuum got drunk. I had to take the… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
If A Couple In Love Are Called Love Birds, Then A Couple Who Have Fought With Each Other Should Be Called Angry… — Anurag Prakash Ray Copy Share Image
The service at the Imperial (Tokyo) is the finest I've encountered anywhere. There was a button next to my bed marked ROOM… — Bob Hope Copy Share Image
My Scottie refused to go for a walk with a friend of the house, but she would joyously accompany any stranger who… — Mazo de la Roche Copy Share Image
We can't always choose how we feel. We can, however, choose what we do about it, which ironically can change how we… — Bill Crawford Copy Share Image
“He’d use this opportunity to impress Rick and show him that he did, in fact, have more to offer than just being… — Kyle Adams Copy Share Image
We shall escape the absurdity of growing a whole chicken in order to eat the breast or wing, by growing these parts… — Winston Churchill Copy Share Image
When I try to be funny, it always makes me more nervous that I'm trying too hard, and then my brain that… — Coy Bowles Copy Share Image
I think we were in London for TV and David Hasselhoff was guest host of 'Raw'. We had the match where we… — Gail Kim Copy Share Image
It's funny because I was looking back on my Instagram,, and I saw that I had a bunch of feminist posts but… — O. T. Fagbenle Copy Share Image
All my wife has ever taken from the Mediterranean - from that whole vast intuitive culture - are four bottles of Chianti… — Peter Shaffer Copy Share Image
It's pretty funny to me when I hear people say, 'I write six songs every day,' or, 'I turn out a song… — Benji Hughes Copy Share Image
