*24 minutes of battery left* ME:That's enough time to finish. *6minutes later, laptop shuts down* ME: Fuck you! You lied to me! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I think it's time to clean out your Fridge when you open the door and something reaches out and hands you a… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
“He told me that if you yelled out "JAMBA!" at full volume, all the employees would yell back "JUICE!" He lied.” — Morgan Matson Copy Share Image
There was an advert I rather liked. Devastated woman: "I've just seen the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse!" Husband: "Never mind, love,… — Simon Barnes Copy Share Image
I just saw a fat girl crying while girls pointed & laughed at her. I thought ,She must be finding it hard… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“So those are your roommates, eh? What're the odds of having three gay-or-at-least-bi guys in one house, do you think?" "Who knows.… — Heidi Belleau Copy Share Image
Nice men are ugly. Handsome men are not nice. Handsome and nice men are married. Handsome, nice and unmarried men are useless.… — My Lovely Sam Soon Copy Share Image
Boy came home after school and he was upset. His dad asked what was the reason. He replied, 'My teacher pointed at… — Pacifiersucker Copy Share Image
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it,… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
“I'm glad has promised three dollars and a bottle of Canadian whiskey to the man who puts on the best show. You've… — Sara Gruen Copy Share Image
I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder. — Bill Maher Copy Share Image
Too much love can kill you.. But what kind of love did you mean? By making love? That'll make you live and… — Rakii Retondo Copy Share Image
A woman in labor was screaming profanities at her husband. He calmly said, Dont blame me. I wanted to stick it in… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Heroine: Girl in a book who is saved from drowning by a hero and marries him next week, but if it was… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
As funny as we thought our script might have been, 'Super Troopers,' starring five nobodies, didn't fit the model of a good… — Jay Chandrasekhar Copy Share Image
“How rude of me, we haven’t even introduced ourselves. We’re the Andersons. I’m Evan, the lovely size-zero lass in the floppy sun… — Colin Nissan Copy Share Image
My mother was a very, very funny, outrageous, outspoken person, and she never edited me. Her whole thing in my life was… — Tig Notaro Copy Share Image
If you've never seen me perform live, I'm a must-see. I'm very funny. I have a different perspective sometimes on a lot… — Carlos Mencia Copy Share Image
Dear God, my prayer for 2012 is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“By educating me at home, my parents were able to give me individualized attention without the usual distractions that kids in regular… — Colin Nissan Copy Share Image
I went to the Home Depot, which was unnecessary. I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
Anything that I can do with Jennie Garth, I would love to do it. I really like her. I got along with… — Cameron Mathison Copy Share Image
Going in the pool; Ready, we'll jump in together on1,2,3! Both of you run up to the pool then watching your friend… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Every movie I do, I always use things that have happened in my life. Funny moments, anything. If it just sticks out… — Kirsten Dunst Copy Share Image
I'm actually way more funny now, because I'm hungry... If comedy comes from pain, I should be funnier now than I ever… — Seth Rogen Copy Share Image
Being funny with a funny voice is more my comfort zone, a broader character that I try to humanize, a kind of… — Hank Azaria Copy Share Image
To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
“Jane Jameson." He grinned. "Like the porn star." I gaped at him. "What? No, Jane Jameson." "Oh, not as fun," he said,… — Molly Harper Copy Share Image
I want to do things or write things that make people feel a bit more beautiful or tragic or something because there… — Julian Barratt Copy Share Image
Reaganomics, that makes sense to me. It means if you don't have enough money, it's just because poor people are hoarding it. — Kevin Rooney Copy Share Image
Definitely that was a big part of my childhood: wanting to fit. As an immigrant, you talk funny, you look funny, you… — Genndy Tartakovsky Copy Share Image
“I was momentarily stunned by his odd announcement and told him as much. "Let’s just talk about the fact that you composed… — M.C. Lavocat Copy Share Image
A wave of anger washed over me, anger against myself, at my age at the time, that stupid lyrically age, when a… — Milan Kundera Copy Share Image
The stuff we're seeing in 'Deadpool' and 'Harley Quinn' now, Plastic Man was doing in the 1940s. It's a character that was… — Gail Simone Copy Share Image
When we are together,my handswere empty,because I had fail toreinforce our future. Till today my hands are empty. Even now, Im legendyary,… — Mohd Aariff Khan Copy Share Image
What's the point of blurring out the middle finger on TV, like oh you've fooled me, what's behind that blur? Is it… — Persia Copy Share Image
Tim Minchin and Daniel Kitson are the two people that when I see them, I think I could never be that funny… — Richard Herring Copy Share Image
With my boyfriend, we can make sexist jokes to each other because we know it's absolutely not true. If I get home… — Emily Browning Copy Share Image
What's funny about me is that when I try and relax, and my body is in a fatigued or - you know,… — Bryson DeChambeau Copy Share Image
I did get the nickname 'craptain' from the Yorkshire dressing room. A bit of banter which I thought was quite funny. — Joe Root Copy Share Image
