So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly… — Tommy Cooper Copy Share Image
I don't know, maybe Australian humour isn't supposed to be funny. It's as dry as the Sahara, and I think people miss… — Nick Cave Copy Share Image
Everyone knows cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans are just too big-headed to admit their inferiority. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If A equals to success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z, X is Attitude. Y is Hard… — Ritu Copy Share Image
Those which we call necessary institutions are simply no more than institutions to which we have become accustomed. — Alexis de Tocqueville Copy Share Image
Swiss cheese is the only cheese you can draw and people can identify. You can draw American cheese, but someone will think… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
I have been hit by the Americans and tortured. I have been beaten on every place of my body, and the signs… — Saddam Hussein Copy Share Image
I just think of myself as a comedian, really. I mean, I talk about being Jewish a lot. It's funny because I… — Sarah Silverman Copy Share Image
Let's give thanks there isn't a parade where straight guys feel comfortable enough to take off their shirts and dance. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Behold the Power of the peanut. His body mass may be small, but his influence is mighty. The last holdout in the… — Thea Harrison Copy Share Image
Lent is funny. I mean it's not hilarious but it's unusual given that people's participation in mass is significantly reduced, yet the… — Angela Scanlon Copy Share Image
People are always the start for meanimals. When I can get into their heads, gods, supernatural beings,immortals, the deadthese are all people… — Tanith Lee Copy Share Image
I'm about being funny. If I can make a joke using profanity, I will. But for the most part, that can get… — Howard Stern Copy Share Image
I've never really understood that. It's a funny thing; people sometimes accuse us of condescending to our characters somehow-that to me is… — Joel Coen Copy Share Image
“I thought the two ugly ones, Marty and Laverne, were sisters, but they got very insulted when I asked them. You could… — J.D. Salinger Copy Share Image
I'm very British at heart. When I come to England, I say I'm coming home, and then it's funny: when I leave… — Lily Collins Copy Share Image
There's a rule of writing: if everything is funny, nothing is funny; if everything is sad, nothing is sad. You want that… — J. Michael Straczynski Copy Share Image
All my good reading, you might say, was done in the toilet. There are passages in Ulysses which can be read only… — Henry Miller Copy Share Image
Even though you're now highly educated, don't dismiss the advantage of dressing a little slutty for job interviews. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Having sex with her is incredible. It's just like a concert. We throw Frisbees around the room. And when she wants more… — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
I think the desire to be funny was a mixture of wanting to be liked but also wanting to throw your elbows… — Paul Rust Copy Share Image
“Robert said, "This is great, huh? Sorry to butt in and everything, but I really need the extra points. For my grade."… — Andrew Clements Copy Share Image
She's safe just like I promised. She's all set to marry Norrington just like she promised. And you're going to die for… — Jack Sparrow Copy Share Image
“Friend, we are well met indeed. I think we are a pair of fools and that we should hasten to Nildren's Peak,… — Ian Livingstone Copy Share Image
Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for… — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
Dear Chuck E. Cheese's, If you don't want your patrons stage diving, and mosh pitting during the show, you shouldn't have hired… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I love saying terrible things. Things that I think are terrible and I've gotten in to trouble in the past - just… — Limmy Copy Share Image
A c0uple had three kids named s0meb0dy,n0b0dy and crazy. N0b0dy was the fav0rite, s0meb0dy was jeal0us s0 he killed n0b0dy. Crazy saw… — Luna Adriana Ardiansyah Copy Share Image
“I'm the son and heir to the Duke of Sardis. I could walk into that ballroom naked with Alcibiades balanced on my… — Rosamund Hodge Copy Share Image
Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous… — Ken Dodd Copy Share Image
I definitely started to perform a little bit in middle school, but not the typical musical/play route. I think that I am… — Abbi Jacobson Copy Share Image
“That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing,… — E.A. Bucchianeri Copy Share Image
“Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?" "I care" Simon said gloomily. "Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend… — Cassandra Clare Copy Share Image
I can't even really tell a joke. I find being funny very hard work. I am always asked about it and I… — Madeline Kahn Copy Share Image
“I told you that the moment we started letting females into our group, they'd be nothing but trouble.' 'As far as I… — Sarah J. Maas Copy Share Image
What gets me is, I waited in line for an hour to do this. I could have experienced essentially the same level… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
Did u hear McDonald killed Burger King in front of Popeye's over that bitch Wendy? The funeral is at K.F.C. You going?… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
“Many if not most slaves would have each readily jumped, and many if not most slaves would each readily jump, at the… — Mokokoma Mokhonoana Copy Share Image
You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges,… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something… — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
