Mom: Come here! Me: No. Mom: 1... Me: Haha counting won't work. Mom: 2... Me: Holy duck, I AM COMING! — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he's a compulsive liar, but I don't believe him. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
(You watching video by yourself) You: HAHAHAHAAAAA! (You showing friend video) You: Hang on, it gets better. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning. — Jerry Seinfeld Copy Share Image
The main problem with teenagers is that they're just like their parents were at their age. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If you don't advertise yourself you will be advertised by your loving enemies. — Elbert Hubbard Copy Share Image
Girl- kya tum mujhse pyar karte ho..? Banta- haan Girl- lekin tume to meri parwaah hi nahi Banta- oye pyar karne wale… — Sadie Copy Share Image
Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light… — Jim Rohn Copy Share Image
Just because I text // talk to you, doesn't mean I wanna insert my penis in your vaginal canal. Vagina isn't hard… — Jayy Copy Share Image
If you have an apple and I have an apple and we exchange these apples then you and I will still each… — George Bernard Shaw Copy Share Image
My greatest fear is coming home one day and discovering that the slim and sexy woman I married has become fat and… — MO'Zee Copy Share Image
Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride"... — Joan Rivers Copy Share Image
When we wrote 'Avenue Q,' we worked hard to create something that could be funny and satirical but also had some surprise… — Robert Lopez Copy Share Image
If I go on summer vacation, I'd make a funny video about it for YouTube. For Instagram I'd show the gorgeous pictures.… — Eva Gutowski Copy Share Image
It's funny... musical theater is what paid my rent and kept me going for the longest time. — Bryan Batt Copy Share Image
I know a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Politician: Whoever shakes your hand before elections and your wallet after elections. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Resource Optimization Team thinks they don't need a man or woman; they'll produce a child with zero resources. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
''A lesson I learned from a toothache : Even the sweetest thing on the earth can hurt.'' — Scarlet Kim Copy Share Image
A true friend will see you through when others see that you are through. — Laurence J. Peter Copy Share Image
Isn't it funny - why is it called a tennis bracelet? It doesn't seem very tennis, does it? — John Cameron Mitchell Copy Share Image
Relativity is a purely scientific matter and has nothing to do with religion. — Albert Einstein Copy Share Image
“Sometimes it wasn't easy to be polite to someone who locked you in a mudpit” — Samantha Boyette Copy Share Image
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
Can't pick and choose when you're gonna be a leader. If you're gonna be it - gotta do it every day. — Rajon Rondo Copy Share Image
I was very disappointed (at the U.S. Open), and I went out there and I worked really hard. — Maria Sharapova Copy Share Image
The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
How girls put on their pants: *Left leg*, *Right leg* *Wiggle* *Wiggle* *Jump* *Jump* *Squat* *Stretch* Done… — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I wish my phone would stop correcting omg to OMG... I'm not that shocked — Arjun Loveable Copy Share Image
