Funny Quotes · Page 831

The idea that you can't be attractive and funny at the same time is something that I hate.

— Emma Stone

I can write no more. All that I have written seems like straw.

— Thomas Aquinas

It's true, the Shaolin and the Wu-Tang, could be dangerous...

— Raekwon

I'm going to do everything in my power to make your bachelorette party all about me.

— Anonymous

Don't do anything for the money you WILL make, but instead for the SKILLS you will learn.

— Robert Kiyosaki

I know how to make adults laugh pretty well. I don't know if kids think I'm that funny.

— Tom Bodett

I really enjoy Martin Sheen - he is very unexpectedly funny, very quick.

— Noureen DeWulf

I thought I was supposed to have a fake six-pack in this scene

— Robert Pattinson

I'd love to get into some comedy, but people keep saying, 'You're not funny!' And I say, 'Well, fair enough.' I have…

— Ciaran Hinds

“Gone are the days when the old country doctor would drive out to your house and amputate your infected leg for a…

— Cuthbert Soup

“I got mixed up with some oddness in my youth, and the long and short of it is that I can't shuffle…

— Jasper Fforde

I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay.…

— Dave Attell

Cheech and I used to call ourselves musicians; we never called ourselves comedians. We were musicians that were funny.

— Tommy Chong

Most kids: I like to drink and smoke weed. Me: When it's cold out I like to breathe heavily and pretend I…

— Anonymous

I like to be able to feel as many parts of myself while watching a movie at one time. I think that's…

— James Gunn

You can always win an argument with a lady during your last few minutes of your life by telling her that she's…

— Nikhil Saluja

I've got a hockey record, I took off my skate and tried to stab a guy, I'm the only person who ever…

— Adam Sandler

Truth or tact? You have to choose. Most times they are not compatible.

— Eddie Cantor

I'm so sorry, but I have some bad news and a Justin Bierber CD. Which one would you like to hear first?

— Green Monk

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.

— Josh Billings

We tend to Seek Happiness when Happiness is actually a Choice

— Rodney White

What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?

— Jim Norton

I remain myself. I have never cared about others misjudging me

— Cao Cao

In a moment, we hope to see the pole vault over the satellite.

— David Coleman

I hate when I'm trying to sleep and ,y brain is like, You know what's a great movie?Paranormal Activity..

— Ritu Ghatourey

And there's no "I love you" message because Steve Ovett has married the girl

— David Coleman

If I'd known it was harmless, I'd have killed it myself!

— Philip K. Dick

There are two kinds of cruises - pleasure and with children.

— George Burns

Joy in what we do is not an added feature; it is a sign of deep health.

— Mark Nepo

People are funny in the way that they choose to express themselves.

— Frank Vincent

That moment when you're talking to yourself and you start laughing because you're just so freaking funny!

— Anonymous

People who eat loads of food and never gain weight, I hate you?

— Anonymous

If I had to depend on what I actually get from sales, I'd be tending bar between sets,

— Iggy Pop

White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says "gun"? Congressional hearing.

— Chris Rock

It is the surface I am interested in. Because the surface is the inside.

— Lisette Model

The first woman who decided that tights are pants should get the Nobel Peace Prize.

— Green Monk

Most problems precisely defined are already partially solved.

— Harry Lorayne

He must be the only man alive who can eat an apple through a tennis racket.

— Gary Lineker

When you hear something you don't like, don't ever play it again.

— Joe Satriani

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

— Rodney Dangerfield