I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda. — Jim Gaffigan Copy Share Image
Everyone believes that he abounds in wisdom, but is short of money. — Marsilio Ficino Copy Share Image
He'll never be better than he is on the first date. Unless he's rich and hasn't told you yet. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“LIKE THE SUICIDAL RACCOON, I, TOO, WILL FUCK UP YOUR ALIGNMENT IF YOU RUN ME OVER. - T-shirt” — Darynda Jones Copy Share Image
“Big surprise, I put you to sleep. Don’t feel bad. It happens all the time.” — Robyn Carr Copy Share Image
It is impossible to love a second time what we have really ceased to love. — Francois de La Rochefoucauld Copy Share Image
Our life is like dancing training, at start we dont always know what we are doing but we keep moving till we… — Shubham Pal Copy Share Image
Spongebob: Remember Patrick, flatter the customer. Make him feel good. *Guy opens the door* Patrick: I love you. ~Noelle¥ — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“Says O'Sullivan to me, "Mr. Fay, I'll have a word wid yeh?" "Certainly," says I; "what can I do for you?" "Sell… — Jack London Copy Share Image
I don't know if the art of stand-up will survive. Stand-up seems dated. Now you can do a mini-movie or a short… — George Lopez Copy Share Image
Who do I like? I am a big fan of French and Saunders - not that that they are particularly stand-up I… — Jo Brand Copy Share Image
If at any point 'Carnage' became on paper preachy or annoying, we made sure something really funny was really near to that… — Simon Amstell Copy Share Image
80 saal ka Buddha rape case me jail gaya. Dost:- Tune is umar me ye kiya kaise? Buddhha:- Koi rape nahi kiya.… — Sadie Copy Share Image
My girlfriend is named Lynn. She spells her name "Lynn". My old girlfriend's name is Lyn, too, but she spells it "Lyn".… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
What most readers do not realize is that it takes a particular genius to write funny, to satirize. — F. Sionil Jose Copy Share Image
Fans feel they know me, so they want me to be on-the-spot funny, and it's hard to fulfil their expectations. — Chris Lilley Copy Share Image
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas — Hussein Nishah Copy Share Image
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat. — Jimmy Carr Copy Share Image
I shall call him squishy and he shall be mine. He shall be my squishy. Come here squishy! — Dory Copy Share Image
“-Am I allowed to call you Grayson, or have you assumed a new identity as well? -He's Frank.” — Jen Turano Copy Share Image
“If you know how to open doors with just a smile, you must need your teeth capped every six months” — Josh Stern Copy Share Image
We cannot all be great, but we can always attach ourselves to something that is great. — Harry Emerson Fosdick Copy Share Image
Congratulations on being one of the few bosses who didn't contribute to the economy's collapse. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Facts are meaningless - you could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true! — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
I could lose so much weight if I just switched to red wine from eight beers. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Humour was a big part of growing up. It was a valuable currency in our household to be funny. — Rebecca Front Copy Share Image
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
What gets measured, gets done. And what gets recognized gets done again, and even better. — Robert Crawford Copy Share Image
Black holes. I don't know what people see in them. Exit signs? They're on their way out. — Tim Vine Copy Share Image
