Someone introduce me to whoever invented Mornings. I will beat the shit out of them. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
An ex is called an ex because they're an ex-ample of who not to date next time. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Dad: How was your test today? Me: Underwater Dad: What? Me: It's below C level — Greatest_KiD Copy Share Image
It is good to have respect for all beings because who knows what anyone can do? — Frederick Lenz Copy Share Image
A genius sometimes can not answer a simple question asked by a stupid person. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
“As if the right hand knew what the right hand was doing.” — John Alejandro King aka The Covert Comic Copy Share Image
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, they make bad movie after bad movie. — Peter Stormare Copy Share Image
Facebook should have a limit on how many times you can change your relationship status. After 5 it should default to 'Unstable.' — Anonymous Copy Share Image
YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire past of age. But yesterday I should have thought me… — Ambrose Bierce Copy Share Image
What people actually think: ha = you. suck. haha = not that funny. hahaha = really funny actually. hahahaha = funniest. thing.… — Lala Copy Share Image
I have no idea why gay men love me, but I would have to assume it's because they know how much I… — Chelsea Handler Copy Share Image
When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to… — Robin Williams Copy Share Image
It's funny: sometimes with 'Spaced,' people would try and read too much into something I'd done, with the references meaning something more… — Edgar Wright Copy Share Image
There aren't even enough stars in the sky, water drops in an ocean, or people in the world that could represent how… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
If you think of the people who are funny in your life, you'll note it's not because they tell jokes, it's because… — Anne Beatts Copy Share Image
My mind is now so crowded with valuable information that I can't think. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. — Groucho Marx Copy Share Image
If a guy remembers the color of your eyes after the first date, chances are... you have small boobs. — John Vercetti Copy Share Image
I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking. — Anthony Jeselnik Copy Share Image
My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids. — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
All things in this vast universe exist in you, with you, and for you. — Khalil Gibran Copy Share Image
“Intelligence is more important than strength, that is why earth is ruled by men and not by animals.” — Amit Kalantri Copy Share Image
I'd rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort. — J. Paul Getty Copy Share Image
Girls: Practice makes perfect! Boys: But nobody is perfect! So, why do we need to practice?! — Sharlene05 Copy Share Image
That awkward moment when you make a face at the teacher and she turns around. — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
“humor is a spiritual journey to see the world in a unique, amusing way.” — Ed Toolis Copy Share Image
It's not how much money you make that makes you rich, it's how you spend it. — Charles Jaffe Copy Share Image
“Ish #303 "It's a street food vendor! Stop asking for the health score rating.” — Regina Griffin Copy Share Image
That moment when you start singing one song but somewhere in the middle end up singing a different song. — Faith Benson Copy Share Image
A brand not responding on Twitter is like hanging up the phone on customers. With millions watching. — Dave Kerpen Copy Share Image
