Funny Quotes · Page 723

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

— Doug Stanhope

Education for livelihood alone will never make our life full and complete.

— Mata Amritanandamayi

As the saying goes: "If you're not part of the solution, you're a newspaper columnist."

— Dave Barry

The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

— Lucille Ball

Excusing bad programming is a shooting offence, no matter what the circumstances.

— Linus Torvalds

In school I was never the class clown, but more the class trapeze artist. I was always being suspended.

— Tom Guntorius

I'll watch a Keanu Reeves movie and I'll go, 'Wow, he's really not a very good actor!'

— Ashton Kutcher

There is always one annoying lady in your life who should use gluestick instead of lipstick!

— Santosh Roy

Voyeurism, watching people go about their daily lives, is universally funny, no matter the culture, no matter the anything, it's just always…

— James Murray

[when asked by his secretary if she should destroy all files that were over ten years old] Yes, but keep copies.

— Samuel Goldwyn

I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked…

— Anonymous

“Late twenties, single, female. Do the math. Flirty flings were fabulous until you hit the big three-O, all downhill from there. Biological…

— Nicola Marsh

“Fuck," Ranger said. Ranger didn't often curse and he rarely raised his voice. The fuck has been entirely conversational. Like he was…

— Janet Evanovich

It's funny because I never studied, I never took a class. So everything I do is very innate and organic; I don't…

— Kimberly Elise

I hate stand-up comics; I think funny is something you are, not something you desperately try to be in front of a…

— Peter Cameron

“Since Sienna was in an unusually cooperative mood, the session went well. He was returning from it midmorning - after a short…

— Nalini Singh

Instead of raising awareness for bullying, how about parents just stop raising assholes?

— Nikhil Saluja

A Chihuahua. They're good. If you lose one, just empty out your purse.

— Jean Carroll

With all the things that you could be, you never could learn how to be me.

— Lisa Loeb

Youre not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

— Anonymous

The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.

— Karl Kraus

Men think monogamy is something you make dining tables out of.

— Kathy Lette

When you walk through life with a dirty mind, the simplest things seem funny

— Green Monk

After 3 months of trying to learn a southern accent, it still comes out Jamaican

— Meller

A #GIRLBOSS knows when to throw punches and when to roll with them.

— Sophia Amoruso

There is nothing that man fears more than the touch of the unknown.

— Elias Canetti

I'm not afraid to move away from funny. I'm not afraid of that.

— Tracy Morgan

Bring together things that have not yet been brought together and did not seem predisposed to be so.

— Robert Bresson

My life is a constant battle between my love of food and not wanting to get fat!

— Myself

Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.

— Fred Allen

No one is normal. There are just a lot of weird people with things in common.

— Anonymous

Let me beg you, not to rest contented with the commonplace religion that is now so prevalent.

— Adoniram Judson

“Hey,” he pulled away and put his hand on my face. “What are you thinking about?” “Your butt,” I admitted.”

— Diana Peterfreund

Why don't you realize, that your words really do cut me down to size?

— Anonymous

That cat will write her autograph all over your leg if you let her.

— Mark Twain

Frentzen is taking, er, reducing that gap between himself and Frentzen.

— Murray Walker

The things that go wrong for you have a lot of potential to become part of your gift to the world.

— Krista Tippett

Almost everyone is bald. And thats because of what they eat.

— Evo Morales

If a better system is thine, impart it if not, make use of mine.

— Horace

In art there is only one thing that counts: the bit that cannot be explained.

— Georges Braque