“So does that mean if you won’t fuck me because I’m high, I could fuck you because you’re not?” — K.A. Mitchell Copy Share Image
“Earthquakes were extremely uncommon in this area. A dragon and a unicorn playing tag wasn't.” — Robert Lynn Asprin Copy Share Image
Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to get a bikini wax. — Rita Rudner Copy Share Image
I'm a very funny person that doesn't get the chance to do a lot of comedy, and the same thing with my… — Malik Yoba Copy Share Image
I wasn't going to rob her, or touch her. I was just going to kill her. — David Berkowitz Copy Share Image
“Don’t put your wand there, boy!” roared Moody. “What if it ignited? Better wizards than you have lost buttocks, you know!” “Who… — J.K. Rowling Copy Share Image
“He’s not that smart.” “She’s right,” Augustus says. “It’s just that most really good-looking people are stupid, so I exceed expectations.” “Right,… — John Green Copy Share Image
So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I… — Milton Jones Copy Share Image
*Calling someone I don't want to answer* *Please go to voice mail. Please go to voice mail. Please go to voice mail..*… — Ritu Ghatourey Copy Share Image
Broken hearts, love's deceit, pieces fall down to my feet. Broken promises, love's a lie, puddles form from the tears I cry. — Nikhil Saluja Copy Share Image
“She's your lobster. C'mon you guys. It's a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually… — Phoebe Buffay Copy Share Image
I got a hotel room at New York New York in Las Vegas and I was very happy. They've got that rollercoaster… — Mitch Hedberg Copy Share Image
There's an old saying among scientific guys: "You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs, ideally by dropping a cement truck on… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
