Funny Quotes · Page 658

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband

— Anonymous

I know why we're here. We're all here because we're not all there.

— Steven Tyler

I never took the game home with me. I always left it in some bar.

— Bob Lemon

I would like a bit of me - that’s how I put my back out!

— Derren Brown

My Dear Opponent, one day you will be sure beat me when I'm die.

— Mak_786

The words that we attach to our experience become our experience.

— Tony Robbins

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into the pool.

— Anonymous

Pretending to pay attention in class so the teacher dosnt ask you a question

— Drew Fonner

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to…

— Rodney Dangerfield

“I sneaked out to his house a couple times in the middle of the night to watch over him while he slept,…

— Cynthia Hand

Being serious is serious business in fiction. It's commercial or hoi polloi in fiction to be funny. It's too accessible to the…

— Joshua Ferris

I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got…

— Steve Martin

I don't watch too much television because I want to write something, and you never want to be influenced by other things…

— Jim Norton

A couple of days working with Joe Jonas, I thought, 'This guy is a slayer of a singer; he's really funny, goofy,…

— Justin Tranter

“[the car] backfired a lot. Loud enough that when I drove in the wrong part of town and it let loose with…

— Adrienne Wilder

“She'd had sex with a demon. Tayla swallowed bile and tried to keep her stomach from heaving. She needed to shower. And…

— Larissa Ione

To hold on, you have to find something you’re willing to die for.

— Rick Yancey

If you're emotional and you're great at something, the money will follow.

— Robert Herjavec

I want to be happy and sad at the same time. Yeah, I know it sounds sappy.

— Jarod Kintz

“You’re nasty and you’re loud, you’re mean enough for two, If I could be a cloud, I’d rain all day on you.”

— Jack Prelutsky

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

— Rodney Dangerfield

Another name for God is I AM'',so is anybody better than I am?

— Isaac Buabeng

“Motto for latin countries: If you're not late, you're not on time”

— Bogdan Vaida

Do we have anything in music that really wipes everything out? That just cleans everything away?

— Morton Feldman

I have to live my life, and it is the only one I’ll ever have.

— Sylvia Plath

My friend has a baby, I am recording all the noises he makes so I can later ask him what he meant.

— Stephen Wright

Were always together, were one of a kind, 3 words describe us - 'partners in crime'

— Anonymous

Laws to suppress tend to strengthen what they would prohibit.

— Frank Herbert

I smile because you are my sister, I laugh because there is nothing you can do about it!

— Anonymous

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.

— P. J. O'Rourke

Nothing belongs to you or me. Nothing belongs. Everything, everything, everything simply IS.

— Mooji

If all the fools in this world should die, lordly God how lonely I should be.

— Mark Twain

Bill Murray is a wonderful actor, and he's very funny, and I've seen him be serious and terrific.

— Geoffrey Ward

Men only have two faults…What they do, and what they say!

— Anonymous

You've got higher grades than mine, not because you're smarter than me, but because I'm lazier than you.

— Nikhil Saluja

Consider that everything is opinion, and opinion is in thy power.

— Marcus Aurelius

What happens most deeply inside you is worthy of your whole love.

— Rainer Maria Rilke

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

— Charles Dudley Warner

Everything is full and pure at its source and precisely there, not outside.

— Meister Eckhart

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

— Nikhil Saluja