Funny Quotes · Page 535

Bad news travels fast. Good news takes the scenic route.

— Doug Larson

I hate when someone is about to tell you something but then says never mind.

— Anonymous

“Is there any good news?' Tesla said. Who ever promised that? Who ever said there'd be good news?”

— Clive Barker

We don't all agree on everything. I don't agree with myself on everything.

— Rudy Giuliani

I promise, I am sorry and I love you all have eight letters , but so does BULLSHIT

— Anonymous

...clatter of a typwriter suggests that you're actually building something.

— David Sedaris

Imagine having journalists in your own home and not even covering the furniture with plastic sheets first.

— P. J. O'Rourke

Sexual intercourse is kicking death in the ass while singing.

— Charles Bukowski

What's funny is that an old Web site of mine just had one fake bio, and everyone went crazy for it. So…

— Jarrett J. Krosoczka

“Oh, yeah, this girl was going down. She had no idea who she was messing with. And, sadly, she didn’t seem to…

— Darynda Jones

Change is a measure of time and, in the autumn, time seems speeded up. What was is not and never again will…

— Edwin Way Teale

I think it would be frustrating to be a match maker. "What do you do?" "I'm a match maker" "Aw, that's really…

— Demetri Martin

You know what's funny, I really hate Par 3's. I feel like you have to be perfect from jumpstreet. But on Par…

— Robert Horry

“But at the exact same time I got nervous about that, I also got this other feeling, which I can only describe…

— Rebecca Stead

Funny thing is, you keep on looking for something to convince yourself that you are great while you keep on doing things…

— Ces Peta

“Save your explanations, I got some questions for you first and you'd better answer them!' [slurred Hellian.] 'With what?' [Banaschar] sneered. 'Explanations?'…

— Steven Erikson

Point out a great strength of someone in your life today!

— John C. Maxwell

“She actually wants to spend more time with me? I’m beginning to wonder if she’s as crazy as I am…”

— Anonymous

You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.

— Robin Williams

Cat's motto: "No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look as if the dog did it."

— Anonymous

“You have a gorgeous ass, and it holds handprints beautifully.” Oh, well, how nice for me. ”

— Cherise Sinclair

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

— Bob Monkhouse

You don't need to be flamboyant in your life to be flamboyant in your work.

— Lena Dunham

Why do I feel so awkward about asking you for the money you owe me? You owe me. You must feel terrible.

— Anonymous

Lets play how rude can I be until you realize I don't like you

— Persia

Writing is a funny thing. It's not like you're working on a schedule. It comes in fits and starts.

— Daphne Guinness

It is not enough to acquire wisdom, it is necessary to employ it.

— Marcus Tullius Cicero

If its sent by ship then its a cargo, if its sent by road then its a shipment.

— Ritu Ghatourey

I'm thankful that we can soon get back to being ungrateful, disillusioned, and cynical.

— Anonymous

Physics is like sex: sure, it may give some practical results, but thats not why we do it.

— Richard Feynman

Two things I'm thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid my family and friends.

— Ritu Ghatourey

You don't know how much you've grown- until trouble comes back for an encore.

— T. D. Jakes

Research is an organized method for keeping you reasonably dissatisfied with what you have.

— Charles Kettering

Ask not what's inside your head but what your head's inside of.

— William Mace

With all things in life, we do not get what we ask for, we get what we expect.

— Iyanla Vanzant

I’m actually pale blue: it takes me a week of sunbathing to turn white.

— Billy Connolly

I love how this girl just called the page annoyingg. LOL*

— Anonymous

Glad I could show you how to turn your computer on, Mom.

— Anonymous

He who merely knows right principles is not equal to him who loves them.

— Confucius

If you don't let things develop, it's like keeping something in a bag and not letting it out to fly

— Earl Scruggs