Funny Quotes · Page 537

Some People Just Need A High-Five . . . . . In A Face With A Chair -,-

— Anonymous

The absurd has meaning only in so far as it is not agreed to.

— Albert Camus

Alright I Just Got Back So What Do You Guys Wanna Do? Game? Quotes? Outfits? Pictures?

— Anonymous

I don't get a chance to be funny on camera as often as I would like.

— William Sadler

Probably the most dangerous and powerful industrialist of our age. [About Bill Gates]

— Scott McNealy

“I believe great things are ahead for each of us. Now we just have to go ahead and create them.”

— Tom Althouse

that strictly(and how)scienti fic land of supernod where freedom is compulsory and only man is god.

— e. e. cummings

Change ain't looking for friends. Change calls the tune we all dance to.

— Al Swearengen

“It’s complicated,” I said in defense, hands going up to show surrender. “Talk slowly,” Jenna retorted derisively. “Okay, I deserved that,” I…

— Laura Kreitzer

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says "What…

— Tommy Cooper

As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but ticking everyone off is a piece of cake.

— Rick Sutter

“It sounds like you aren't used to having something so powerful between your legs," Abbey said. "Maybe you should let me drive.”

— Shawn Keenan

I bet'cha bitches b feelN like shit when they N a relationship wit a nigga dat dont have shit N he cheat…

— IG:catone_2_funny

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and…

— Mike Birbiglia

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the…

— Milton Jones

We flew over to England by the same route Churchill took. It was easy. All we had to do was follow the…

— Bob Hope

I am for the ones who represent sense, and so was Jane Austen.

— Mary McCarthy

The U.S. victory in Gulf War was a stirring victory for the forces of aggression.

— Dan Quayle

Nothing that we love overmuch Is ponderable to our touch.

— William Butler Yeats

Sorry that guy who didn't want to have sex with you didn't turn out to be gay.

— Anonymous

I like some of the B movies that are intentionally funny.

— Owen King

If you're not naughty go to your room. If you are, come to mine.

— Anonymous

You have to talk about what you love, to bring what you love to you.

— Rhonda Byrne

Just because it looks good to you, doesn't mean it's goodfor you

— Richie

I was, am and always will be a student…, the day I stop learning, is the day I die.

— Terence Lewis

The only time you lose at something is when you don't learn from that experience.

— Chuck Norris

There isn't a lot I can do on this planet, but I can be funny.

— Leslie Jordan

Well, the funny thing is, you are never the same person that you were the day before.

— Jon Foreman

Many people dying from natural causes. Forget Aids and Cancer, we need a cure for natural causes.

— Green Monk

“Whoa, don't assume, dude," Marco said. "My mom always said, when you assume you make an ass of u and me --”

— Peter Lerangis

God is the Deliverer, but we never know how He might deliver us.

— Beth Moore

You're the first boss I haven't wanted to push down a flight of stairs.

— Anonymous

There are two kinds of women who like to talk a lot; the married women and the single ones.

— Vikrant Parsai

I've met a lot of jazz musicians in my day, and they're all funny.

— Tommy Chong

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

— George Carlin

GUY: I know how to please a women ME: oh yeah, then please leave me alone

— Ana

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

— Jerry M Wright

When I was a little kid I always wanted to be ginger. My best friend was ginger and he was pretty cool.

— Noel Fielding

If you're playing against the Australians, you don't walk.

— Ian Botham

But I've never looked at myself as being particularly funny

— Tea Leoni