Funny Quotes · Page 506

If women think all men are the same, then why do they worry so much about picking the right one :P

— Ritu

Where's Kanye West when my parents are giving me a 9376969675949 hour lecture?

— Anonymous

If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.

— Milton Jones

The ever-whirling wheele Of Change, to which all mortal things doth sway.

— Edmund Spenser

I can't imagine actually singing on this show like I did on 'Felicity', but it would be kind of funny.

— Amy Jo Johnson

Money is a bad god. People are a bad god. They don't have the power to do what God can do.

— Kenneth Copeland

Maidens hearts are always soft:Would that men's were truer!

— William C. Bryant

I gave my wife a kiss this morning. She jumped out of bed and did a lap of honour.

— Frank Carson

I have a very short attention span, which is funny. I mean, you'd watch me and think that I don't, but I…

— David Lowery

“Yes, I was standing on nothing but congealed starlight. Yes, I was walking up through a savage storm, the wind threatening to…

— Jim Butcher

It's funny - I was a big fan of 'The Sopranos.' It became kind of a threat to 'The X-Files' in a…

— Chris Carter

There are many styles of standup, but the comedians I like are people like Dick Gregory and Richard Pryor. Because Richard Pryor…

— Charlie Murphy

“Me too, Arch,” Jeremiah said. “I want an answer about my request to transfer. Even now, my balls are shrinking in anticipation…

— Rose Wynters

It is only after that we understand what has come before, then we understand nothing. Thus we shall define the soul as…

— R. Scott Bakker

Ladies, your happiness is very important to us. You have to understand that. Because when you're happy, you let us touch you.

— Adam Ferrara

And while all of your friends are grieving at your wake, I hope the sprinkler system turns on and sprays them with…

— Jim Norton

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.

— Paul Lynde

I tried to see that every picture was better-looking than the person.

— James Van Der Zee

Typing faster because someone has just pissed you off on the Internet

— Anonymous

If money is the root of all evil, I must be a saint because I never have any money

— Green Monk

The 'Celeb Juice' job was never mine - people just guessed - but it was quite funny to watch the rumours.

— Emily Atack

When someone calls you & asksWho is this? ... Like bitch, you called me! who are YOU?

— Anonymous

Who travels far will often see things Far removed from what was believed as Truth.

— Hermann Hesse

Man cannot live by bread alone; he must have peanut butter.

— James A. Garfield

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

— Josh Billings

Life is the dash between the birth date and the passed away date.

— Anonymous

HUSBAND, A man who has one mistake in his existence -- and keeps learning from it all his life;

— Nikhil Saluja

The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

— Jean Giraudoux

She became a lifeguard at the beach and kept the buoys in line.

— Nikhil Saluja

Here's your opportunity, now you've got to make something of it.

— Chris Hemsworth

Happy Boss's Day to the person whose job I never, ever, ever, ever want.

— Anonymous

Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.

— Noel Fielding

“If Duncan was ever into men then he's been so far in the closet he's been living in Narnia.”

— Dana Marie Bell

Wishing you a divorce that's slightly less appalling than your marriage

— Anonymous

The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want.

— Anonymous

I can't stand Liverpool. I can't stand the people. I can't stand anything to do with them.

— Gary Neville

Monday mornings would be better if they were a part of my weekend-long blackouts.

— Anonymous

I no longer believe that just about everything is funny, if viewed from the proper angle.

— Tom Perrotta

My responsibility to God is to live. That's the gift he gave me. What I do with it is up to me.

— Mary J. Blige

Would you ever cheat in relationship? I can't get one girl, how the hell do you expect me to get two

— Anonymous