Funny Quotes · Page 473

As you can see, visually, with your eyes.

— Murray Walker

I've got a great repertoire with my players.

— Danny Ozark

Often whole days pass without my speaking to anyone.

— Vincent Van Gogh

The influence of a vital being vitalizes.

— Joseph Campbell

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: A contradiction in terms.

— Nikhil Saluja

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you

— Groucho Marx

Love is putting yourself second

— Taylor Hanson

Who's to say where funny stops and 'too far' starts?

— Michael Patrick King

They say When it rains it Pours well heck next time that happens I'll just go outside naked with a bar of…

— Jennifer Amorelli

The only place you will be accepted is the place you make for yourself.

— Holly Lisle

“Some people avoid thinking deeply in public, only because they are afraid of coming across as suicidal.”

— Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Our possessions don't own us any more, because we don't possess them.

— Dan Davis

I throw my curveball like Clayton Kershaw and my fastball like Mo'ne Davis.

— Mo'ne Davis

Other crack teams get bat boomerangs and wall-climbing powers; we get Aquatruck.

— Cassandra Clare

If someone steps on your foot & asks Did I hurt you? . . Step on theirs (HARDER) & ask, Can you feel my answer?

— Green Monk

Well, evolution's just a theory.' And, I'm thinking to myself, 'Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'

— Marc Maron

Bitches be twerking for NO REASON, *microwave goes off* oh shit , my food done. *starts twerking* HOE SIT YO ASS DOWN & EAT !

— Armin Ferizovic

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo,…

— Mitch Hedberg

There are some really funny people doing creative stuff with social media, which is sadly where a lot of my attention goes.

— Scott Rogowsky

You could do so much for me if you just would. If you just knew. I am I and you are you…

— William Faulkner

Carmen is just fabulous. She's the boss. She's just so funny, and she's such a little adult that wants to hang out…

— Hilaria Baldwin

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

— Groucho Marx

Cop pulls man over for suspicion of drunk driving. Cop: Sir have you been drinking? Man: No. Cop: Papers. Man: Scissors, I…

— Anonymous

“A brick is a biographical film in which a young orphan brick from the wrong side of the track grows up to…

— Nicole McKay

Superfluous wealth can buy superfluities only.

— Henry David Thoreau

It is a sin to do less than your best.

— Bob Jones, Sr

Be an all-out, not a hold-out.

— Norman Vincent Peale

I read, I painted, I didn't hate niggers,

— Janis Joplin

What appears is good; what is good appears.

— Guy Debord

A Jew is anyone who says he is.

— David Ben-Gurion

I always knew you'd barely graduate.

— Anonymous

I'm having too good of a time.

— Parker Posey

I'm going to come out and tell it like it is.

— Dennis Rodman

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

— Joan Rivers

I'm going to be as big as Sinatra.

— Frankie Valli

The best way to motivate me is to tell me no,

— Mick Ebeling

I just reported spam someone for having a bad haircut.

— Nikhil Saluja

I don't have any friends; I just have lawyers.

— Mike Oldfield

Pure drawing is an abstraction.

— Paul Cezanne

Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.

— Mitch Hedberg