Funny Quotes · Page 380

I watch pom, you misread that didn't you? ;)

— Hudson T

There is no learning without remembering.

— Socrates

Nothing in life that’s worth anything is easy.

— Barack Obama

There is no disinfectant like success.

— Daniel J. Boorstin

Not my will, but Yours be done.

— Leslie Ludy

My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.

— Rodney Dangerfield

In life the loser's score is always zero.

— W. H. Auden

Win hearts, and you have hands and purses.

— Lord Burleigh

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

— Groucho Marx

Opinions are like phasers - everybody ought to have one.

— Mark Rippetoe

Never feed your cat anything that doesn't match the carpet.

— Anonymous

My persona has always been what a man was never supposed to be. Outrageous, gregarious, crazy, silly, funny.

— Richard Simmons

“Sure,' says Ron. 'She wants to kill me. Bake her some scones.”

— Richard Osman

It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, and he was a Klingon.

— Carol Leifer

This isn't an office-It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

— Nikhil Saluja

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said, "You've got cholera."

— Tim Vine

Before I help you up when you fall down I will laugh at you so hard it will hurt, when we watch…

— Lynn M

Lana Turner was adorable and funny. Jimmy Stewart was such a nice person. I quickly realized that if you're not a nice…

— Robert Osborne

“When you cross over into the weird stuff, there's no going back. Hector has a theory on it. Calls it the law…

— A. Lee Martinez

When you go back to 'Friends,' and you look at that as New York, there's no black people. That's not real. You're…

— Terry Crews

“Everything in Australia is trying to kill you, haven't you heard? Half of the ten deadliest snakes in the world live in…

— Rosalind James

“They have two moods, hungry and horny. So if you see a boy without an erection, you should go make him a…

— Jillian Dodd

I've always enjoyed making people laugh. But in order for me to be funny, I have to get ticked off about something.

— Carl Hiaasen

Anyone who is considered funny will tell you, sometimes without your even asking, that deep inside they are very serious, neurotic, introspective…

— Wendy Wasserstein

If thou canst believe, all things are possible.

— Florence Scovel Shinn

To beguile the time, look like the time.

— William Shakespeare

All growth depends upon activity.

— Calvin Coolidge

Dear boyfriend, You don't EXiST !

— Anonymous

I like to invest in people that I like to hang with.

— Robert Herjavec

What the Rastaman represents is positivity.

— Peter Tosh

“That shit was funny, but it ain't right.”

— Ernessa T. Carter

Best friends listen to what you don't say.

— Samantha Norman

Always act as if you were seen.

— Baltasar Gracian

Ever since the world ended, I don't go out as much

— Mose Allison

“We have truth in order not to die of art. ”

— Steve Aylett

If indeed you must be candid, be candid beautifully.

— Khalil Gibran

The other day I broke 70. That's a lot of clubs.

— Henny Youngman

And Life continues to be fascinating...

— Maila Nurmi

All that I seek is already within me.

— Louise Hay

I found it funny I was on 'Newsnight.'

— Dizzee Rascal