I can't wait to spend Monday doing nothing on a beach instead of doing nothing at work. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
I saw a sign today that almost made me piss myself. It said Bathrooms closed. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Love is like a glass door¦ sometimes you dont see it, and it smacks you right in your face. — Shruti Copy Share Image
It's a battle with himself and with the ticking finger of the clock. — David Coleman Copy Share Image
“I want to see this video," I say. "Seriously?" asks Tattoo. "Want popcorn too?” — Susan Ee Copy Share Image
“She promised herself that from now on she would try to sit as close to Neal as possible. She could not kick… — Tamora Pierce Copy Share Image
“The child of a transgender couple was having sex with a chick and the chick said, "Wow, you have a huge dick",… — Danial Shamsi Copy Share Image
“Huevos up. Swing up to the window, swing back to Al B. Hall, who says, "Bless you," and would I get him… — Joan Bauer Copy Share Image
New Zealand has this funny attitude towards celebrities where we're not so impressed. We are secretly impressed, but we never want to… — Rose Matafeo Copy Share Image
My life is all math. I am trying to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid… — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Some medical beast had revived tar-water in those days as a fine medicine, and Mrs. Joe always kept a supply of it… — Charles Dickens Copy Share Image
The best day to propose to a girl is on April Fools Day. If she says yes, then good. But, if she… — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would… — Steve Allen Copy Share Image
