When you look like I do its hard to get a table for one at Chucky Cheese. — Zach Galifianakis Copy Share Image
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead? — Steven Wright Copy Share Image
God is triune, and it is as triune that he is so good and desirable. — Michael Reeves Copy Share Image
Whats the point of studying for finals if they are not final? We are coming back to school next year! — Azgraybebly Josland Copy Share Image
Ellen DeGeneres is brilliant. She's funny, she's warm and she doesn't hurt anybody on her show. — Janet Hubert Copy Share Image
“Jake fried up the fish, cooked rice with garlic, cilantro and green onions. Someday he was going to make some woman a… — Josh Lanyon Copy Share Image
When you see things upside down, the ego can be extraordinarily funny; it's absurd. But it's tragic at the same time. — Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu Copy Share Image
“I had a dream about you. You were crying, and I couldn’t tell if it was because you were sad or because… — Dora J. Arod Copy Share Image
I can't relate to lazy people. We don't speak the same language. I don't understand you. I don't want to understand you. — Kobe Bryant Copy Share Image
The novels I planned to write were never going to be funny books about Jews. They were going to be country house… — Howard Jacobson Copy Share Image
“They have provided a system which for terse comprehensiveness surpasses Justinian's Pandects and the By-laws of the Chinese Society for the Suppression… — Herman Melville Copy Share Image
In every John Waters book, you're like: 'Wait, how can this guy be so funny in a... book?' It's like you can… — Sarah Sherman Copy Share Image
My son did not show signs of a money deficiency until he opened his small fist in the nursery and found it… — Erma Bombeck Copy Share Image
