I apologize that I made an attempt to be funny and edgy... and it didn't work. — Elizabeth May Copy Share Image
I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia. — Frankie Boyle Copy Share Image
It was funny, though, the things you didn't learn about people until after they died. — Cynthia Leitich Smith Copy Share Image
The awkward moment when you actually have to tell someone that you're being sarcastic. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
Once again, the only reason I'm tweeting is to ignore this bum asking me to roll down my window. — Green Monk Copy Share Image
Love has a funny way of showing up when you aren't looking for it and didn't plan on it. — Adriana Trigiani Copy Share Image
While you are destroying your mind watching the worthless, brain-rotting drivel on TV, we on the Internet are exchanging, freely and openly,… — Dave Barry Copy Share Image
I always think I should get on it if I want to have kids. Because once you hit thirty it can be… — Sarah Copy Share Image
Me and Elmo had a fight. Cookie Monster say sorry but Elmo still mad. Elmo left and me feel sad. Now, cookie… — Elmo And Cookie Monster Copy Share Image
For whatever reason, I think we have one type of animated movie and it's so wrong. I want to do a drama,… — Genndy Tartakovsky Copy Share Image
As a five-year-old in Berlin in 1965, I didn't know that funny women existed. It wasn't until I got back to England… — Jenny Eclair Copy Share Image
Some women were talking about how I put out. And that's just not that case. I don't put out - unless I'm… — Kristen Schaal Copy Share Image
“In the cool dark basement, she whispers, "It's not Ralph, is it?" Cabel's quiet for a moment, as if he's thinking, "You… — Lisa McMann Copy Share Image
Figures often beguile me, particularly when I have the arranging of them myself; in which case the remark attributed to Disraeli would… — Mark Twain Copy Share Image
