Funny Quotes · Page 341

Where the women go, the culture goes.

— Phylicia Rashad

I am convinced that UFOs exist because I've seen one...

— Jimmy Carter

I hope you live to be as old as your jokes.

— Anonymous

You do not have to change for God to love you.

— Anthony de Mello

Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny.

— Lisa Lampanelli

We're going to pray a lot and picket a lot.

— Cesar Chavez

Disneyland is a work of love.

— Walt Disney

Happiness is the most important thing.

— Lupita Nyong'o

Pushing the stop button on your microwave before it goes off so you don't have to hear the beep.

— Anonymous

Sarah Palin has decided not to run for President and go straight to the quitting part.

— Andy Borowitz

I think how tan a person is, is directly proportionate to how dumb they are.

— Natasha Leggero

True statement: Live it, love it, leave the wold better off than when you got here.

— Ian Somerhalder

It is not death therefore that is burdensome, but the fear of death.

— Ambrose Burnside

I was never pretty, never really popular. I was lanky and funny looking.

— Tanya Roberts

If she's still able to walk to the kitchen after sex, you don't deserve a sandwich.

— Psyche_Zeroh

50 Cent should stick to what he does best, rapping, and leave the funny business to comedians.

— Perez Hilton

Movies don't look hard, but figuring it out, getting the shape of it, getting everybody's character right and having it be funny,…

— Nancy Meyers

Black Friday: Because only in America, people trample others for sales exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have.

— Anonymous

It's a crazy society when guys wanna see a movie about a teddy bear, and girls wanna see a movie about strippers.

— Anonymous

“Shit" Bug said, his face sour. "It's that thing again. We've been dealing with it since Pierce. You think you have a…

— Ilona Andrews

BUREAUCRACY You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then…

— Nikhil Saluja

“It just seems like overkill when you already have a dagger and I have superpowerful magic at my disposal.” “‘Superpowerful?’”He stood up,…

— Rachel Hawkins

In the old days, we painstakingly copied our emails onto paper, put a stamp on them and mailed them to arrive 4…

— Peter Sagal

I love funny people. I met and became friends with some of the funniest people ever. Gilda Radner, bless her soul; Martin…

— Paul Shaffer

Health is more important than anything,

— Floyd Mayweather, Jr

I am going to seek the great Perhaps.

— Francois Rabelais

Ask yourself what makes you come alive.

— Howard Thurman

The point is, I'm weird, but I never felt weird.

— John Frusciante

Great intimates conform to you...not you to them

— Rhonda Shear

I don't back down. I never win, but I don't back down

— Nick Manning

God cannot do for us what he cannot do through us.

— Marianne Williamson

Nothing really affected me until Elvis.

— John Lennon

For who is pleased with himself.

— Samuel Johnson

Jewelry is the most transformative thing you can wear.

— Iris Apfel

It's never too early not to drink.

— Nikhil Saluja

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

— Bo Burnham

Pick very few objects and place them exactly.

— Philip Johnson

There go the goddamn brownies!

— Joe Dante

Tempus edax rerum. Time that devours all things.

— Ovid

Drawing is the sum of directions.

— Andre Lhote