Funny Quotes · Page 287

I don't know...let's Yahoo it! -Said by no one, ever.

— Anonymous

Getting fan mail from Brazil is kind of funny.

— Essie Davis

You can’t stand up in a Cadillac, either.

— Bill Lear

Cynics are all moralists, and merciless too.

— Indro Montanelli

Dear locked account users, who hurt you?

— Nikhil Saluja

Fear itself is the vanguard of wisdom

— Pema Chodron

We know. We've seen it all before.

— Janet Morris

I certainly dont have any airs about myself.

— Jamie Farr

I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.

— Joan Rivers

We can hardly wait for you to blow your tax refund on our destination wedding.

— Anonymous

I used to think guns were loud until I dropped the damn shampoo in the shower.

— Anonymous

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

— Mike Myers

After all, religion has been around a lot longer than Darwinism.

— George W. Bush

Here's to many more Grandparents Days before you go completely batshit.

— Anonymous

Buttons ... check. Dials ... check. Switches ... check. Little colored lights ... check.

— Bill Watterson

Steve Carell leaving The Office is almost as depressing as my inability to leave mine.

— Anonymous

There is nothing more expensive than a female tear... When a single drop comes out, it first mixes with L'Oreal eyeliner and…

— Ritu Ghatourey

You re-watch 'Napoleon Dynamite', and there's a lot of thrift shopping that goes on in that movie; there's a lot of funny…

— Al Madrigal

“Is it necessary, do you think,’ he began, leaning in so close behind me that I could smell his breath, ‘for the…

— Danielle Wood

There's not one thing that inspires me the most. Me and my friends joke around with each other and hang out so…

— Adam DeVine

What is funny is when you do a futuristic movie, you immediately get to be fashionable because you're creating something that doesn't…

— Olivier Theyskens

I love the funny and sweet moments I have with my cats, Jake and Frank, so I'm honored to be celebrating these…

— Hannah Simone

“OCEANA: Are we here to take a tour of the museum? Is this your surprise? ORPHEUS: This is my house. OCEANA: (gasps)…

— Scarlett Brukett

“It is easier to tell a person what life is not, rather than to tell them what it is. A child understands…

— Shannon L. Alder

If you think you can't, why think

— Dee Hock

I'll save that for Mrs. Battier.

— Shane Battier

Words divide, pictures unite.

— Otto Neurath

Dancing is the way I move through this crazy life.

— Ewshy

It's headed away by John Clark, using his head.

— Derek Rae

There is no rampart that will hold out against malice.

— Moliere

Failure is nothing more than learning how to win.

— Robin Sharma

Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.

— Phyllis Diller

What God cares about most is that we are His friends.

— Pope Francis

I cannot do it without comp[u]ters.

— William Shakespeare

If we don’t cannibalize ourselves, someone else will.

— Steve Jobs

My statements are just a statement of fact.

— Nancy Pelosi

I know, I've never had boobs before!

— Olivia Wilde

My Ex-Wife was very hot. She died in burning car.

— Nikhil Saluja

Don't expect others to do your work for you.

— William Safire

That was in the past - we're in the future now.

— David Beckham