Funny Quotes · Page 212

Instagramming photos of food isn't sexy.

— Kim Kardashian

Would I have fired me? Knowing me? No.

— Paula Deen

I hope you live a life you're proud of.

— F. Scott Fitzgerald

Do you prefer that you be right or happy?

— Norman Cousins

Man who stands on toilet, gets high on pot!

— Katharine Hepburn

No one served God by doing things tomorrow.

— Charles Spurgeon

It makes no difference where you go ...there you are.

— Zig Ziglar

When you are quiet, you see everything with love.

— Dharma Mittra

Don't break a girls heart, because she'll probably write a bestselling album about you.

— Anonymous

I was on a game show. When I lost, they gave me a lovely parting gift. It was a comb.

— Scott Roeben

There is nothing so extreme that is not allowed by the custom of some nation or other.

— Michel de Montaigne

Act right all the time, because someone's always watching.

— Gwen Ifill

I should get a college art credit for the masterpieces I have drawn on my passed out roommates.

— Anonymous

Relationships are like farts... If you push too hard things will get messy.

— Trent Thomas

What is a butterfly? At best He's but a caterpiller drest. The gaudy Fop's his picture just.

— Benjamin Franklin

I'm not saying she's a slut, I'm just saying she should sleep in her own bed often

— Anonymous

“I should mention, by the way, that LVR stands for Luminal Velocity Regulator. I suppose it could also stand for Large Venezeulan…

— Cuthbert Soup

I feel like in our society there is definitely still a lot of underlying sexism. It's funny how many guys are surprised…

— Nina Nesbitt

“We made it back to the airport without getting mugged, stoned, shot at, pounced on, bombed, shelled, garroted, gassed, pitched into, caught…

— Daniel Quinn

There are few things more amusing in the world of politics than watching moderate Republicans charging to the right in pursuit of…

— Mario Cuomo

Woman say:I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. Woman means:We're gonna get sloppy and make fun of you and your friends.

— Nikhil Saluja

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and…

— Steven Wright

I like to wear a "Do Not Disturb" sign around my neck so that little kids can't tell me knock-knock jokes. "Hey,…

— Mitch Hedberg

“Although initially only few in numbers, it seems my gray hairs have launched an effective peer-pressure campaign intended to convert the others.”

— Steve Maraboli

“Dammit Bard, you're going to set the cat on fire.”

— V.E. Schwab

Happiness is the result of what you do.

— Zig Ziglar

Time cleanses what it touches over time.

— Aeschylus

No one is free until we are all free.

— Martin Luther King, Jr

I would so cuddle the fuck out of you!!

— Ana

If you cant live without me, why arent you dead yet?

— Anonymous

Connecting to your passion is being you, but better.

— Garrison Wynn

My change in party will enable me to be re-elected.

— Arlen Specter

Man with hole in pocket, feel cocky all day.

— Confucius

Normality is the new eccentric.

— Criss Jami

Dance to this and you're gonna get thinner.

— MC Hammer

I dont take pictures with Niggas

— Michael Jordan

There is no thing to see: you simply need to see that.

— Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche

Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?

— Mitch Hedberg

Everybody gets what they want out of the market

— Ed Seykota

Dear middle finger, thanks for sticking up for me

— Rashida Rowe