Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out you're all covered with leeches. Just… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If they ever come up with a swashbuckling School, I think one of the courses should be Laughing, Then Jumping Off Something. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Remember, having faith means recognizing the value of what you are here to contribute to the world and allowing your actions to… — Marie Forleo Copy Share Image
When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. — Douglas Adams Copy Share Image
It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit,… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
It's amazing to me that one of the world's most feared diseases would be carried by one of the world's smallest animals:… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger. Not lifting weights doesn't kill me. Therefore not lifting weights makes me stronger. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Nor is it of much Importance to us to know the Manner in which Nature executes her laws; 'tis enough to know… — Benjamin Franklin Copy Share Image
Freedom can never be taken for granted. Each generation must safeguard it and extend it. Your parents and elders sacrificed much so… — Nelson Mandela Copy Share Image
I think we all mistake certain things for happiness. I think we mistake comfort for happiness and we mistake pleasure for happiness,… — Simon Pegg Copy Share Image
The chief distinction in the intellectual powers of the two sexes is shown by mans attaining to a higher eminence, in whatever… — Charles Darwin Copy Share Image
I'll be the first to admit that my idea of God is pretty different. I believe in a God with a long… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
By our attitude, we decide to read, or not to read. By our attitude, we decide to try or give up. By… — Jim Rohn Copy Share Image
When I heard that trees grow a new 'ring' for each year they live, I thought, we humans are kind of like… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If I was a cowboy in a lynch mob, I think I'd try to stay near the back. That way, if somebody… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I like people who I can occasionally have really deep conversations with, and at the same time joke around with them. — Ritu Copy Share Image
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The sound of fresh rain run-off splashing from the roof reminded me of the sound of urine splashing into a filthy Texaco… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I didn't have all the expectations and the publicity. It probably made me work harder and learn more. It was a blessing… — Dustin Penner Copy Share Image
Marta said I don't seem to like to read fiction very much. "I guess you're not an 'afictionado'," she said. Poor Marta.… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
“His (Grant's) face has three expressions: deep thought, extreme determination, and great simplicity and calmness.” — Amanda Foreman Copy Share Image
There was always the next therapy appointment, next surgery, next college exam, but with time and deep thought, those evolved into life… — Kyle Carpenter Copy Share Image
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I have to laugh when I think of the first cigar, because it was probably just a bunch of rolled-up tobacco leaves. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you were a gladiator in olden days, I bet the inefficiency of how the gladiator fights were organized and scheduled would… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Here's a suggestion for a new animal, if some new ones get created or evolve: something that stings you, then laughs at… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you want to be the most popular person in your class, whenever the professor pauses in his lecture, just let out… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
We are the gods of the atoms that make up ourselves but we are also the atoms of the gods that make… — Manly Hall Copy Share Image
If you're ever stuck in some thick undergrowth in your underwear, don't stop and start thinking of what other words have "under"… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
Are you learning to say things after listening to God, or are you saying things and trying to make God's word fit… — Oswald Chambers Copy Share Image
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
The realms of the gods and demons - heaven, purgatory, hell - are of the substance of dreams. Myth, in this view,… — Joseph Campbell Copy Share Image
Probably to a shark, about the funniest thing there is is a wounded seal, trying to swim to shore, because WHERE DOES… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
If you're an archeologist, I bet it's real embarrassing to put together a skull from a bunch of ancient bone fragments, but… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I think my favorite monster movie is "Gone With the Wind", because it has that ear monster and that big-dress monster. — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back. — Anonymous Copy Share Image
If the captain invited me to his party, after he had whipped me earlier in the day, up on deck, I guess… — Jack Handey Copy Share Image
